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The Gospel of Magnum PR: McGruff: The Movie

So, Hollywood has been intent on milking the cash how that is nostalgia. Turning classic shows, movies, and comics into major blockbusters or major busts. But there is one person or I should say animal that has hit gotten the big screen treatment. That is Mr.McGruff, the crime fighting dog. He is long overdue for a blockbuster.

To start off the movie, we need an epic movie title that lets people know that this is McGruff’s time to shine. 

After the intro, there is a flashback to at some point in 1990, a young kid by the name of Timmy. He is excited to head to school that day because his role model, Mr. McGruff is coming to his class. McGruff gives a presentation on the dangers of drug use and is delighted to see his favorite student. Timmy promises him he will stay away from drugs and become a cop just like him. 

25 years later, Mr. McGruff is finishing up another session where he finds out that Timmy is now living in the projects in the Bronx. He finds a slum lord apartment with the door cracked open. He enters inside to see Timmy lying on the floor from an apparent heroin overdose. Within seconds, the D.A.R.E squadron that was with him at school shows up and informs him that he is the executor of Timmy’s Estate. 

With the guidance of D.A.R.E, McGruff goes on a hunting spree tracking down the dealers who sold Timmy the drugs. Eventually the source of the lethal heroin is traced to mass opium fields in Columbia control by Juan Valdez. McGruff questions the information as Columbia well known for their cocaine production and that Juan Valdez is more known for making Colombian Coffee beans. 

D.A.R.E insists that Juan Valdez is one of the most powerful drug lords in the world and he must be stopped or else Timmy’s death will mean nothing. McGruff and D.A.R.E head to Columbia to take down Valdez’s drug empire and burn his fields. As they defeated his cartel forces fairly easy, McGruff is horrified as the D.A.R.E are taking over Valdez’s mass coffee fields. 

Once they take control, he sees Procter and Gamble workers enter the area to overtake the coffee fields. As sees the betrayal proceed, Juan Valdez gains enough strength to tell McGruff the truth. “Thomas McGruff, D.A.R.E has been a sting operation created and funded by the conglomerate Procter & Gamble to take out its competition under the guise of drug prevention. They would hire third-party mercenaries to plant the drug fields on our property so they can justify using D.A.R.E to destroy the fields and steal our assets. You must go to Seattle and contact Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks. He will tell you everything. Sorry for your friend to get caught up in this.”

McGruff heads to Seattle and is surprised when the baristas at the Original Starbucks inform him that the master is expecting him. Schultz explains that he’s being watching Procter & Gamble for years during their quest for a monopoly on the coffee market. He founded Starbucks to keep the choice for coffee alive. He owns over 15,000 stores with combat-trained baristas to combat P&G anywhere at anytime. He informs McGruff the reason he supports liberal and democratic policies is because no one will think “Bleeding Heart” liberals are capable of putting up a fight. He finally reveals that Timmy was on the verge of uncovering P&G when they used their political muscle to blacklist him from law enforcement worldwide and had his family murdered. They also staged his death to look like he overdosed on Heroin so McGruff would take his vengeance out on Juan Valdez. 

The last act is Shultz and McGruff assembling the Baristas for an epic final fight in Cincinnati, Ohio at the P&G headquarters. McGruff hacks into their servers to send their information to the SEC and FTC where upon receiving it, they call in reinforcements form the DEA, ATF, and FBI to help the Baristas defeat P&G and restore order to the coffee market, giving people the choice to drink coffee that isn’t Folgers. 

The DEA and ATF agreed to reform D.A.R.E and nominated McGruff to take over to keep drug prevention policies in place. McGruff enlists Timmy’s best friend to oversee the day-to-day operations. Shultz asks what McGruff is going to do and McGruff ends the movie with, “Howard, I gotta do what I do best….to take a bite out of crime” and strolls into the sunset with his shotgun. Credits roll.

That’s my idea for a McGruff movie. I think he’s due for an epic blockbuster flick. 


The Gospel of Magnum PR: The Christmas Holiday Dilemma


Disclaimer: I am not going after non-religious people or people of other faith with this post. I am talking to just the Christians, it may apply to some or someone reading this might be reminded of somebody. Also, this is optional to read as always, you can always ignore it and “turn the other cheek”.

So as of “Black Friday”, the Holiday season has begun. Certain Christians cry foul that it’s blasphemy to not call it Christmas because everyone is Christian and might get offended by it. 

Honestly, I’m glad it’s called the “Holiday Season” because 1. Like it or not (I’m to talking to certain Christians out there, myself included) non-religious people and people of other faiths have ceremonies they celebrate during the month of December and 2. Other than the celebration of the birth of the Christian savior, Jesus Christ, there is little that has something to do with Christianity. 

For Christians, this day is supposed to be a time of being giving, loving, humbling, graceful, all the things Christ wants us Christians to be is what appears to be the opposite.

We “live by the sword” when it comes to shopping events like Black Friday, hurting each other, sometimes killing each other over something as pointless as a cheap TV. (Side note – This will lead to a future humorous post about making a reality TV and PPV out of Black Friday).

Instead of trying to be charitable and help the poor or loved ones get a hand up by giving them something they NEEED, we get people materialistic junk because we WANT it and justify it by saying we EARNED it, DESERVE it, and because it “helps the economy”. 

Instead of not judging and being humble, some of us throw a fit that people might get offended over Christmas and there non-Christian holidays. We also tend to brag about our religion at this time and often act arrogant about it. 

Instead of honoring our savior, we have turned Christmas into the WrestleMania of capitalism and wrapped around Santa Claus and his magical reindeer that will send our children whatever they please as long as they exhibit good behavior under his will.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to get your loved one gifts, just don’t go overboard and try to make sure it’s something they need. Also, those receiving the gifts, be grateful and humble that they thought of you when they send holiday shopping. It bothers me people don’t like the gifts they want and get the receipts so they can get what they want. 

I could really be specific and pull out the bible verses that tell the certain values Christians should be trying achieve. However, because for those of us that claim to be Christians, we should believe in him and be like him, not the exact opposite. 

If we want to bring back “Christmas”, then we need to start acting like Christ and be more loving and giving. We need to stop judging and be humbled. 

Finally, if we want to give people the best gift around, then we should be trying to expose the lost to the greatest gift available at their free choosing: Jesus and the Gospel. Matthew 28: 18-20 says it best: Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

That said…Merry Christmas everybody! 😀


The Gospel of Magnum PR: Random Parody Songs

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away…I made some parody of hit songs. I have a few ideas of some new parodies, but I haven’t got around to them. So here is 3 of them for your enjoyment!

At Chuck’s- A Parody of 50 Cent’s In The Club about Charlie Bucket after the events of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go Charlie
It’s your birthday
We gon’ party like it’s ya birthday
We gon’ sip Chocolate Bacardi like it’s ya birthday
And you know we don’t give a fuck
You own Wonka’s Factory!

[Chorus] (2x)
You can find me at Chuck’s, chugging chocolate rum
Chuck’s got everlasting X if you into taking drugs
I’m into fucking hot sluts, I ain’t into loving Oompa Loompas
So come eat some candy bars filled with pot if you into getting high

When I see C-Bucket, you see the Benz up and down the street
He used to be dirt poor, now he’s living fat at Wonka’s
Niggas heard I’m pals with Chuck, now they wanna show me love
When he sells more than Hersheys, the hoes they wanna fuck
But homes C-Bucket hasn’t changed, still the same since finding dat Gold ticket
I see Chuck at the factory making me some dope
If you watch how Chuck moves you’ll mistake him for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but he don’t walk wit a limp
In the hood then the ladies saying “Chuck you hot”
They like me too, but I want them to love me like they love Chuck
But holla in London them niggas tell ya he’s pimp
And the plan is to put the candy game in a choke hold
He’s feelin’ focused man, his money on makin’ candy
He’s got a bill out the deal and he’s still pumpin’ candy
Now Charlie said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
His hoes wanna get bi and they ready to go

[Chorus] (2x)

Wanka’s crib, Wanka’s cocoa brought him the doe
That bought him all his fancy things
His crib, His cars, His pools, His jewels
Look nigga he’s got the world by his nuts and won’t change

And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you’d be happy he made it
He’s that mack daddy by the bar toasting to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull him back right?
When my game gets to pumpin at Chuck’s my pimpin’s on
He wink his eye at ya bitch, if you smile he’ll share the wealth
If the roof on fire, the Oopma Loompas will take care of it
If you talking bout money homes, He ain’t concerned
Banks told him money last him for a long time so he’s spending his g’s on all the hoes
If the niggas hate then let ’em hate
Watch the money pile up with the candy roll off the shelves
We go on his patio wit a bottle of chocolate rum
You know where we fucking be

[Chorus] (2x)

(laughing) Don’t try to act like you ain’t know where we been either nigga
At Chuck’s all the time nigga, its about to pop off nigga

Black People – A parody of Outkast’s Ms. Jackson (Update: This was written 15 years so I’m well aware there are Black Legos now)

Why couldn’t you make black people legos so all us niggas be happy, happy, happy, happy, so happy, happy

Yeah, goes like this y’all


I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

We never got to be legos, but whites got to

They always get what they want but we are sick of the bullshit

There’s star wars legos but there’s no Lando

They have alien and robot legos, but no black legos

They would make Pokemon legos before they would make us

I always played with legos and dreamed of being a lego man

In the words of Martin Luther King, “I have a dream…”

“That one day we will be the coolest legos of them all”

All we ask is that you make us black people legos, that’s all we want

Cause you know the world isn’t full of white middle class people

We’re tired of being left out

Yes there was a black guy in Final Fantasy VII

But those two white boys kept stealing the show from the G

All we want is a little respect in da lego hood

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

All the black people

Want to see some black legos

You say it’s impossible

But we say it is

Hope there is some changes

Make us some legos

That aren’t whites or aliens

Cause you wont get away with the crap that you pulled

9 out of 10, the whites get their way

They have Chinese legos and Mexican legos

But don’t have any Muslim or black legos

I know we ask for a lot

But all we want is to have black legos for once and forever

Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever

You can’t have star wars legos without Lando

It’s like having the A-team without Mr.T

You got to have ethnicity in legos cause sales will go up

We black people would buy them a lot

Why don’t you guys make other lego people other than whites

Cause we are tired of being left out of it

Sure there is lots of us in basketball

It ain’t our fault white people cant jump

So just hurry up and make some black people legos and we’ll stop our bitchin

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

Yeah right G.

“You have been treating us like crap since the Civil War.”

Shit niggas, y’all been treating us bad since we were once slaves for you

All we want is a little respect make black legos and we’ll be happy

You always whine how y’all get bad treatment but y’all started it first

All you had to do was make black lego people and we would be happy

But you prick heads are all the same, self centered jackasses

And you say you changed even though you act the same

So stop your goddamn bitchin and make some god damn lego people

Black lego guys that is

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint
Can’t Find My Dentures – Parody of The Rolling Stones’ No Satisfaction


Can’t find my dentures,

Weren’t in the bathroom..

’and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.


I’m too old to play rock

Cause I wear depends now

Cause I have no control of my bladder

Gonna hang up my mic

Going to get my Social Security Checks.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.


Just wet my pants,

Cause I have no bladder control.

’and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.


When I’m trying to eat oatmeal

It gets all over my shirt

Cause i have really big lips.

No one wants to see me in spandex

Cause old men in spandex is sick.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.


I made some Metamucil,

I got just normal flavor.

though there’s and Iced Tea and Smoothies and Lemonade.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.


When I’m rocking in my chair

And I’m making booties for my 15 kids

Can get more tail in my age

Cause ladies like my big lips and heaps of cash

i’m pushing on seventy.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.


I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.

can’t find my dentures,

No dentures, no dentures, no dentures

The Gospel of Magnum PR: My Ideas on College Reforms

I’ve wanted to babble on about this for a while now. I feel that the current college system is bloated, doesn’t really help anybody progress in their careers or improve their lives. The current process feels like an extension of high school. These are just a few of my ideas on how to improve and overhaul the college system. Probably will never happen, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.

  1. College tuition will be free for in-state residents as long as they either have a 3.00/8.00 GPA in high school, “B” score on either the ACT or SAT, or pass an assessment skills test and evaluation to qualify for paid tuition. Those that wish to go either a private school or an out-of-state school will pay out of their pockets or through scholarships, loans, work study, etc. The paid tuition shall only cover the 1st Bachelor’s Degree. For schooling regarding graduate school, medical school, or any other form of education beyond undergraduate school, paid tuition will be provided with proper documentation and certifications. If one drops out, cheats, or flunks out, they’re no longer entitled to paid tuition.
  2. Public higher education institutions shall be scaled back to reflect the land size, population, and population density for each state. The main/central campus shall be located at the state capital. The number of satellite campuses will depend on the prior data mentioned earlier. Any campuses in foreign countries will be subject to not only the Department of Education, but the Department of State as well.
  3. For student athletic programs, they will be funded to run essential and adequate operations as well as a minimum wage pay for all student athletes. Cooperation with professional sports leagues will be encouraged to start a proper farming system to allow certain student athletes to pursue a career in professional sports. Booster programs will continue but are required to make their donations public. Student athletes will have the option to either accept a full scholarship will minimum wage pay or a 100,000 annual salary with full benefits plus required courses in situational awareness, time management, public speaking, or finance management.
  4. For room and board, the student is financially responsible for it. However, price ceilings and regulation on new book editions will be enforced and heavily regulated to ensure affordable books for students. The student no longer is required to reside on-campus for their first and second years.
  5. Student loans, work study programs, and scholarships will not be discontinued and is strongly encouraged. High scores on the ACT and SATs will qualify students to have their room and board paid for, but must maintain a 3.5-4 GPA to retain it. Student loans must have a low interest rate, and a locked repayment period to make it easier for students to pay them off. Students are entitled to a 5-year grace period for loan payments or they are able to find a job in their career field based on their degree. However, loan companies can deny the 5-year grace period based on the certain type of degree the student has.
  6. Because public colleges are reliant on taxpayer funds from state and federal governments, they shall be required to disclose all financial information, which also includes the various third-party and private donations they received. In addition, because they are taking taxpayer funds, they must disclose the state of their campuses, including statistics on protests, sexual assaults, other crimes, etc.
  7. All faculty and staff will be stripped of their tenure privileges. Their employment status in addition to increases in pay and possible promotions will be dependent on a performance-based evaluation system.
  8. Equal opportunity laws and constitutional rights shall not be violated and strictly enforced. Should any faculty and/or staff commits these violations, they are to suspension or termination, pending on multiple offenses or the severity of the violation. This will extend to any students and student organizations residing on-campus.
  9. Finally, regarding course curriculums, general education courses will be scrapped. Theoretically, all students should have received their G.E. courses in high school. If a student wishes to take general education courses, they will not quality for paid tuition. All Major/Minor plans should consist of basic departmental courses, majors’ classes, and adequate real-word training through internships or on-the-job training.

That’s all I got for now. Thanks for reading!

The Gospel of Magnum PR: Random Musings

You know that State Farm commercial where all these Elvis Impersonators summons their State Farm Agents? I think it would be hilarious if they made a version of Highlander with the Impersonators killing each other to be the Supreme Elivs Impersonator.

They need to bring back Black Cherry Vanilla Coke but also make it for Coke Zero as well.

When I was riding my bicycle today, it shocks and saddens how much Missouri State Campus has changed. Granted, it’s good the slum houses are torn down but it’s weird seeing all those high-rise apartments.

This is will be extended into either a longer post or a YouTube video blog, but Star Wars, in my opinion is better than Star Trek. I like both, but I like Star Wars for the fantasy aspect. Yes, Star Trek has a lot of realistic features that inspired a lot of today’s technology, but it’s similar to what literary fiction is. I feel that when you get into the fantasy, you need to be moved away to a different but awesome world.

So Tom Brady gets suspended 4 games for being involved in deflating footballs. You know what would’ve helped? Not being a dick and complying with the investigation. Also, why would Indy whine about that? The theory behind deflated footballs is that they have a tighter grip in cold weather games, improving QB play. So…if that’s case…then wouldn’t Andrew Luck’s game improve too? They’re basically saying he’s a shitty qb.

You know what is a gift from God? Osceola Cheese. One day back in 1944, they prayed for an awesome cheese shop. So a choir of Seraphic Angels came down from Heaven and laid down Osceola Cheese Company while singing beautifully in Gregorian chants.

People hate Wal-Mart for their shrewd business tactics and the way they take over businesses but ya know what? At least they’re honest assholes about it!

So Bruce Jenner is a champion for Transgender rights? If that’s the case, why wait so long to come out with it? Also, why wait til you get 2 highly promoted television specials to talk about it? Maybe I’m being an overly-skeptical asshole, but I see this as an opportunity for him and his clan of fame whores to get even more attention to themselves.

That’s all I got for now!

The Gospel of Magnum PR: Facebook Snippets

Howdy folks! It’s been a lil’ while since I updated but lemme tell ya, it’s a great feeling to go through your Facebook Timeline and just remove everything you posted. Sure, you could just deactivate the profile but to me, it’s a much bigger asshole to do and systematically remove the posts. In the course of this process, I found a series of posts I personally found to be hilarious. So, I archived and as such, I shall reveal to you all these “Facebook Snippets”. Consider this Volume 1. Enjoy!

This wasn’t shown at halftime but it needs to be told…
At the NFL Play60 event, Mark Sanchez went up to all the little girls and said, “I’ll hit you up in 10 years!” Shortly after, Jerry Sandusky went up to all the little boys, and said “I’ll hit you up in 10 minutes, meet me in the showers.”

I’ve come to noticed that when some dumbass celebrity dies because they OD on drugs, it’s considered tragic. Somebody OD’ing on drugs is NOT tragic. Somebody getting drunk behind the wheel and getting killed is NOT tragic. A young child dying of leukemia? THAT is tragic.

So I’ve thought of a wrestler persona should I pursue a career in wrestling. His name will be the Angry CSR. His signature moves will be The Hold (Sleeper-hold), The Release (Flying Elbow Drop), The Transfer (Tornado DDT), and The QA Session , where I fling my opponent into opposing turnbuckles and drop kick him in the nuts.

So I thought of a new version of Monopoly. It’ll be called Bailout Monopoly. Unlike other forms of the game, if you go bankrupt, your fate is decided by a pseudo-congress to give you emergency funds to keep you in the game.

Pick-up line for March 15: Hey there good lookin’! Wanna be Julius Caesar to my Roman Senator Knife?
March 17: *walk up to them in a Potato Suit* Ya know, I saved your people from famine, so you should bang me on general principle.

If you think wrestling is fake, go dig up Owen Hart and ask him!

You know ladies, if you suck off an M&M dude, it’s ok to swallow! Because their jizz would taste like milk chocolate!

Q: What happens when Cleveland hires people off the street?
A: They eventually take their talents to South Beach.

Has the perfect idea for a reality TV show: take 16 families, train them in Guerilla warfare, and place them in heated battles in empty shopping malls across in country in attempt to get the flashiest presents for their loved ones. Call it the Christmas Wars. They already try to kill each other over stupid shit on Black Friday, might as well give em guns make some money off it!

Five reasons God hates Brett Favre: 1. God killed his dad. 2. God gave his wife breast cancer. 3. Burned down Reggie White’s church. 4. Allowed a dog killer to beat him at Lambeau Field. 5. Caused the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis to collapse as preemptive punishment for the Minnesota Vikings signing Brett Favre.

Are Sylvester from Looney Tunes and Lou Holtz from ESPN related? They seem to pour out saliva from their mouths when they get excited.

If they made prostitution legal in Missouri, I’ve thought of a hair salon for guys: The Suck n’ Cut. You get a complimentary blowjob while getting a haircut! And of course for the ladies, Cut n’ Munch!

As stated in my status update, I will run in 2020 to become the first Emperor of the United States, or the American Empire. As such, I would like to explain how my reign will bring America back to glory:

(By the way, if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a comedic farce. Don’t take any of this stupid crap seriously)

  1. Instead of having a Vice-President, I will have a Dark Lord of the Sith. This individual will be hand-picked by me and will become my most trusted asset as they will carry out several of my initiatives later on.
  2. The secret service will be known as the Imperial Royal Guard and will only be authorized to wear these uniforms during duty: (A picture of the Imperial Guard from Star Wars)
  3. The uniform of the Emperor with either be this:  (picture of Emperor Palpatine) or this: (Picture of Primarch Dysley/Barthandelus from FFXIII)
  4. The official law of the American Empire will be Man Law. Man Law will be monitored and regulated by a Parliamentary system known as “The Council of Man”.  The leadership position will be held by the Emperor himself with the Dark Lord of the Sith and the Grand Moff serving as the no.2 and no.3 in command, respectively.
  5. The Chairman to the Joint Chiefs of Staff will now be known as the Grand Moff, the highest rank in all of the armed forces. They will follow the Tarkin Doctrine – An enforcement of the laws of man.
  6. While the proud citizens of the American Empire are free to follow any religion they want, it is highly recommend that they fall in line with the religion of Man. By becoming an avid worshipper of the Religion of Man, they will achieve a great understanding and enlightenment of Man Law.
  7. The Dark Lord of the Sith will lead a special committee to partake in a special initiative to help improve, unite, and restore the American Empire. The movement will be known hence forth as the

The ImProvement, Unification, Restoration of the General Electorate Initiative

Now there are several “initiatives” that will be done to make sure the Emperor’s Goals are met. The committee led by the Dark Lord of the Sith will be known as “Judges” and their authorized uniforms will look like this: (A collage of all the Judges and FFXII)

  • The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project – All of us know a certain person that is either to the very left or very right of the political spectrum that tends to say some pretty outlandish, moronic, and extreme things that have little to do with fixing this great Empire of mi—ours! You see this quite a bit on Facebook. The Dark Lord of the Sith and the Judges will “resolve” this issue by “eliminating” such extreme views in this manner:

The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project (If link does not work, it is a video of the Jedi Purge from Revenge of the Sith)

  • The Stay Fit Project – A panel of doctors headed by the Surgeon General will subject the people through a series of tests to determine their level of health and weight. If it is concluded that they are overweight due to just being lazy and irresponsible; then the National Guard will be activated, round up those less than desirables and make them walk from Washington D.C to San Francisco. Sure it is a bit extreme, but I know my fellow men when it comes to good stuff and I imagine the following conversation will be happen:

“Hey Bob, don’t you think this is a little—” “What wrong, Jim?” “Is that Becky from Accounting?”

“Yeah, that is. Man, that project did wonders for her, look at the ass she’s got, DAMN!”

  • The Homeless and WFS project – Even as a Superpower; we have our share of homeless citizens and those who have the disease Worthless Fuck Syndrome. Through the legalization of all drugs in this great Empire in an effort to increase yearly revenues, we will heavily regulate the flow to determine who just likes to have fun once in a while and those who have nothing better to do than get high all day and waste our precious resources. Judges will roam through the cities and towns of the Empire, find these individuals, and “correct” the error of their ways with a Desert Eagle. This should serve as a great tool of motivation to awaken the American Spirit and be proud to contribute to the American Way of Life.
  • The Gene Pool Cleansing Project – All citizens will undergo a series of tests that will determine their I.Q, their level of “Common Sense”, and how valuable they can be to the labor pool. If they pass with flying colors, then they are free to remain in the labor pool and become valuable assets to the Empire. Those with mediocre scores will be sterilized and move to different labor sectors of the Empire for menial tasks. Lastly, if citizens are diagnosed with Worthless Waste of Sperm syndrome, they will be “Cured” of their disease by being thrown into the Bayou waters of Louisiana where they will make certain alligators very, very happy.
  1. To resolve the overcrowding of our prisons, the Imperial State of New Jersey will be converted into an Imprisonment Facility to house the current prisoners and less than desirables. A 40 ft. concrete wall will be built around the borders of New Jersey with State-of-The-Art gates for those that do not want to pay the 20 dollar toll to drive over The New Jersey Imperial Correctional Facility on the Superhighway that will be known as the Fornicate Under Consent of the King New Jersey Turnpike. However….New York Giants and New York Jets fans will still pay tolls and cannot take the Superhighway to get to the Meadowlands to watch their perspective teams play. This goes for you Fireman Ed, don’t you be using Jedi Mind Tricks on the Toll Troopers!
  1. The Nation of Canada must pay for its crimes against humanity. They are responsible for such horrifyingaberrations such as Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, Nickelback, Celine Dion, etc. They must issue an apology and must issue monetary refunds to the nations that have been affected by these demons. If they do not, then all Canadian Americans and Canadians residing within the borders will be shipped to Delaware, which will become a “Happy” camp for those less than desirables. Delaware is a prime Imperial state to change the mindset of said Canadians by “cleansing” them with boredom. If they do not apologize for their crimes, the camps will continue until we run out of Canadians to “cleanse”, then the Imperial Air Force will unleash its incredible might and decimate the Canadian countryside until they surrender and apologize to the world for such horrible aberrations.
  1. Prostitution will become legalized in this great land and will be heavily regulated. Those citizens that were diagnosed with WWoS syndrome if attractive enough can spare themselves of “The Cure” by becoming model employees of Prostitution Venues across the land.
  1. Illegal Immigration has become a serious problem and I have created the perfect solution for it. Giant cannons will be places along the southern border of the American Empire. All illegals will be gathered up, stuffed into the cannons and will be launched back to their country of origin.
  1. To further increase revenues for the Empire, executions are now public. They will be held at various arenas and stadiums. 10 dollars for General Admission, 30 Dollars for front row seating, 50 dollars for Suite Boxes.
  1. Funds for Sciences of all fields, Defense, Education, Space Exploration, and Medical Technology will be increased dramatically. In order to sustain a mighty, proud, empire; we must be the most advanced and educated people in the world. I would be content with death’s arrival when we have successfully developed Domesticated Penguins, Domesticated Dinosaurs, Star Destroyers, conquered the Solar System and Voltron. That’s right, Voltron: Defender of the Universe. If we had Voltron 11 years ago, 9/11 would’ve never happen. Kinda hard to crash a plane into the Twin Towers when you have a 100 Story tall Robot made of Space Lions to repel them and throw them into the waters of New York Bay.
  1. The National Anthem will be changed to “America, Fuck Yeah!” from the Motion Picture Soundtrack of Team America: World Police. The anthem of the Dark Lord of the Sith, the Grand Moff, and the Judges will be the Imperial March. The anthem of the Emperor will be “Primarch Dysley”.
  1. The official drink of the American Empire shall be Coca-Cola, well for me, it’s Coca-Cola Zero.
  1. It is highly recommended that you engage in building corporate empires but it is your responsibility alone to maintain them. If your empire crumbles, you will be excommunicated from the Empire.
  1. A new Administrative building where the Council of Man and the extensive database of Man Law, Man History, and Man Religion are stored will be the first building in modern civilization to be 1 mile high in height. It will be called The Tower of Man.
  1. Monster Energy Drink will be the official energy drink of the American Empire. Anything else will be frowned upon.
  1. For those embracing the Religion of Man, each year, you must make a Pilgrimage to Osceola, Missouri. To enjoy cheese that was brought down from the heavens, made by God himself!
  1. An Imperial Decree: When a person goes through drive-thru and requests lots and lots of condiments, you shall give them no less than 10. Failure to oblige will make you eligible for the Gene Pool Cleansing Project.

This just the beginning of a great and proud reign, more plans to give American glory, success, and respect in all fields will come! As this will become a greater Empire than that of Ancient Rome!

Just remember one thing…I am the Emperor, your ruler, master, Supreme Overlord, Lord Sovereign over all!

(Once again, remember, this is not real, this just a joke. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

More Facebook Snippets to come! Stay Tuned!

The Internet is boring now.

There, I said it. The internet is great to make bill payments and makes life for convenient, but in terms of entertainment and social interaction, it blows.

When people think of Social Networking, they mainly think of Facebook and Twitter, but this concept has been around since the internet was first made available to the public in 1993.

When websites such as Yahoo and MSN first popper up, they had group pages you could either join or create a group that fit your interests as well as chatrooms to meet people all over the world. To start a website, all you had to do was create an account with website servers such as Geocities and create your personal website.

Chat rooms and chat programs like mIRC, ICQ, MSN, etc. were also great places to meet people form all over. The best part about it? It was a great escape for people who were considered outcasts or didn’t conform with their real-life environments.

I first started using the internet back in 1996, it was the most coolest thing in the world. You were connected to this massive realm full of information. You wanted to find something entertaining, just type it in and you can find a ton of websites to check out. Before Google, there was Infoseek, the original kickass search engine. Yahoo was around too as well as Internet Explorer, but the king of the browsers was Netscape.

When I started dwelving deeper into the social networking aspect back the Summer of 2001, before my freshmen year at SMSU (Now Missouri State). I just went into an MSN room and met a bunch of interesting people. It also helps when my friends gave me their contact lists to talk to some people they met as well. It was great meeting all various sorts of people without that awkward face to face confrontation. No judging me because I thought differently, I didn’t conform, because my family was poor and didn’t fly with the town, etc.

Soon after getting in college, I also started getting involved in various forums, MSN group pages, and Yahoo group pages. I also went to website-based chatrooms for certain bands and other stuff I like. I got invited to a few group pages too. It was pretty neat.

Then I ended up at Outpost10f and while I ran into quite a bit of stuck up douchebags, it was very neat place and once again, I met some interesting people that I still talk to this day. I ruffled a few feathers and settled in a smaller chat and it was decent, until 2006.

2006 was the rise of Facebook and Myspace. They’ve been around,but they didn’t pick up any steam yet. Facebook was just for college students, which was probably the only time it was neat. It was cool to have a place to keep in touch with old college friends.

Google was more than just a search engine now. YouTube was on the rise before it got bought by Google. MySpace and Facebook were growing in popularity and social groups on Google, Yahoo,and MSN were becoming filled with more bots than people. The same was happening to the chatrooms. Websites you could randomly find by word of mouth or searching for it became difficult was YouTube was becoming the main source of entertainment.

By the end of 2006, even the biggest chatrooms were on life support and most of the social interaction took place on Facebook and Myspace. Myspace at least was neat in that you can customize it to whatever you want to have on it.

Then sometime in 2007-2008, Facebook started playing dirty and took a lot of the stuff that made MySpace popular and incorporated them into their website. They also opened the floodgates to the general public by making Facebook available to everybody. Nothing says advancement like dumbing down the material where Joe Dumbass could use it. Myspace fell and got overran by the bots and there was just Facebook. Sure, Twitter emerged but not only it does it have a character limit, it’s too complicated for idiots on Facebook to use.

Facebook was started up by a hack from Harvard who got into some deep shit for hacking into their private directory and use it as the foundation of his social networking site. He would also screw his co-founders out of the company. It is a publicly traded company which means it answer to shareholders. Their revenue is made from mostly ad revenue and selling its users information to third parties so they can shove spam down their throats.

What was once a place for outcasts to call home, it is now a place where outcasts and non-conformists are often ignored or bullied because they are different.

The “proper” form of communication now is share and like photos and memes because people are too lazy and stupid to come up with an original thought of their own. You can’t make clever jokes because you have to explain to these dumbasses the joke step-by-step and have to let them know you are making a joke because they lack the brain cell capacity to understand satire without the body language and vocal tone.

Basically, Facebook sucks.

The only form of entertainment you can find these days is either on Newgrounds or on YouTube since in order to be relevant on the internet to get any kind of traffic, you have to be a part of either Facebook, Google, or Twitter. To get people to view your material, you have to upload it to YouTube.

While I’m liking YouTube for the mass amount of original content it now has as well as plenty of nerdy nostalgia such as retro TV commericals or old TV signoffs, the old days of the Internet were much better.