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The Gospel of Magnum PR: McGruff: The Movie

December 4, 2015

So, Hollywood has been intent on milking the cash how that is nostalgia. Turning classic shows, movies, and comics into major blockbusters or major busts. But there is one person or I should say animal that has hit gotten the big screen treatment. That is Mr.McGruff, the crime fighting dog. He is long overdue for a blockbuster.

To start off the movie, we need an epic movie title that lets people know that this is McGruff’s time to shine. 

After the intro, there is a flashback to at some point in 1990, a young kid by the name of Timmy. He is excited to head to school that day because his role model, Mr. McGruff is coming to his class. McGruff gives a presentation on the dangers of drug use and is delighted to see his favorite student. Timmy promises him he will stay away from drugs and become a cop just like him. 

25 years later, Mr. McGruff is finishing up another session where he finds out that Timmy is now living in the projects in the Bronx. He finds a slum lord apartment with the door cracked open. He enters inside to see Timmy lying on the floor from an apparent heroin overdose. Within seconds, the D.A.R.E squadron that was with him at school shows up and informs him that he is the executor of Timmy’s Estate. 

With the guidance of D.A.R.E, McGruff goes on a hunting spree tracking down the dealers who sold Timmy the drugs. Eventually the source of the lethal heroin is traced to mass opium fields in Columbia control by Juan Valdez. McGruff questions the information as Columbia well known for their cocaine production and that Juan Valdez is more known for making Colombian Coffee beans. 

D.A.R.E insists that Juan Valdez is one of the most powerful drug lords in the world and he must be stopped or else Timmy’s death will mean nothing. McGruff and D.A.R.E head to Columbia to take down Valdez’s drug empire and burn his fields. As they defeated his cartel forces fairly easy, McGruff is horrified as the D.A.R.E are taking over Valdez’s mass coffee fields. 

Once they take control, he sees Procter and Gamble workers enter the area to overtake the coffee fields. As sees the betrayal proceed, Juan Valdez gains enough strength to tell McGruff the truth. “Thomas McGruff, D.A.R.E has been a sting operation created and funded by the conglomerate Procter & Gamble to take out its competition under the guise of drug prevention. They would hire third-party mercenaries to plant the drug fields on our property so they can justify using D.A.R.E to destroy the fields and steal our assets. You must go to Seattle and contact Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks. He will tell you everything. Sorry for your friend to get caught up in this.”

McGruff heads to Seattle and is surprised when the baristas at the Original Starbucks inform him that the master is expecting him. Schultz explains that he’s being watching Procter & Gamble for years during their quest for a monopoly on the coffee market. He founded Starbucks to keep the choice for coffee alive. He owns over 15,000 stores with combat-trained baristas to combat P&G anywhere at anytime. He informs McGruff the reason he supports liberal and democratic policies is because no one will think “Bleeding Heart” liberals are capable of putting up a fight. He finally reveals that Timmy was on the verge of uncovering P&G when they used their political muscle to blacklist him from law enforcement worldwide and had his family murdered. They also staged his death to look like he overdosed on Heroin so McGruff would take his vengeance out on Juan Valdez. 

The last act is Shultz and McGruff assembling the Baristas for an epic final fight in Cincinnati, Ohio at the P&G headquarters. McGruff hacks into their servers to send their information to the SEC and FTC where upon receiving it, they call in reinforcements form the DEA, ATF, and FBI to help the Baristas defeat P&G and restore order to the coffee market, giving people the choice to drink coffee that isn’t Folgers. 

The DEA and ATF agreed to reform D.A.R.E and nominated McGruff to take over to keep drug prevention policies in place. McGruff enlists Timmy’s best friend to oversee the day-to-day operations. Shultz asks what McGruff is going to do and McGruff ends the movie with, “Howard, I gotta do what I do best….to take a bite out of crime” and strolls into the sunset with his shotgun. Credits roll.

That’s my idea for a McGruff movie. I think he’s due for an epic blockbuster flick. 


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