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The Gospel of Magnum PR: Facebook Snippets

May 10, 2015

Howdy folks! It’s been a lil’ while since I updated but lemme tell ya, it’s a great feeling to go through your Facebook Timeline and just remove everything you posted. Sure, you could just deactivate the profile but to me, it’s a much bigger asshole to do and systematically remove the posts. In the course of this process, I found a series of posts I personally found to be hilarious. So, I archived and as such, I shall reveal to you all these “Facebook Snippets”. Consider this Volume 1. Enjoy!

This wasn’t shown at halftime but it needs to be told…
At the NFL Play60 event, Mark Sanchez went up to all the little girls and said, “I’ll hit you up in 10 years!” Shortly after, Jerry Sandusky went up to all the little boys, and said “I’ll hit you up in 10 minutes, meet me in the showers.”

I’ve come to noticed that when some dumbass celebrity dies because they OD on drugs, it’s considered tragic. Somebody OD’ing on drugs is NOT tragic. Somebody getting drunk behind the wheel and getting killed is NOT tragic. A young child dying of leukemia? THAT is tragic.

So I’ve thought of a wrestler persona should I pursue a career in wrestling. His name will be the Angry CSR. His signature moves will be The Hold (Sleeper-hold), The Release (Flying Elbow Drop), The Transfer (Tornado DDT), and The QA Session , where I fling my opponent into opposing turnbuckles and drop kick him in the nuts.

So I thought of a new version of Monopoly. It’ll be called Bailout Monopoly. Unlike other forms of the game, if you go bankrupt, your fate is decided by a pseudo-congress to give you emergency funds to keep you in the game.

Pick-up line for March 15: Hey there good lookin’! Wanna be Julius Caesar to my Roman Senator Knife?
March 17: *walk up to them in a Potato Suit* Ya know, I saved your people from famine, so you should bang me on general principle.

If you think wrestling is fake, go dig up Owen Hart and ask him!

You know ladies, if you suck off an M&M dude, it’s ok to swallow! Because their jizz would taste like milk chocolate!

Q: What happens when Cleveland hires people off the street?
A: They eventually take their talents to South Beach.

Has the perfect idea for a reality TV show: take 16 families, train them in Guerilla warfare, and place them in heated battles in empty shopping malls across in country in attempt to get the flashiest presents for their loved ones. Call it the Christmas Wars. They already try to kill each other over stupid shit on Black Friday, might as well give em guns make some money off it!

Five reasons God hates Brett Favre: 1. God killed his dad. 2. God gave his wife breast cancer. 3. Burned down Reggie White’s church. 4. Allowed a dog killer to beat him at Lambeau Field. 5. Caused the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis to collapse as preemptive punishment for the Minnesota Vikings signing Brett Favre.

Are Sylvester from Looney Tunes and Lou Holtz from ESPN related? They seem to pour out saliva from their mouths when they get excited.

If they made prostitution legal in Missouri, I’ve thought of a hair salon for guys: The Suck n’ Cut. You get a complimentary blowjob while getting a haircut! And of course for the ladies, Cut n’ Munch!

As stated in my status update, I will run in 2020 to become the first Emperor of the United States, or the American Empire. As such, I would like to explain how my reign will bring America back to glory:

(By the way, if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a comedic farce. Don’t take any of this stupid crap seriously)

  1. Instead of having a Vice-President, I will have a Dark Lord of the Sith. This individual will be hand-picked by me and will become my most trusted asset as they will carry out several of my initiatives later on.
  2. The secret service will be known as the Imperial Royal Guard and will only be authorized to wear these uniforms during duty: (A picture of the Imperial Guard from Star Wars)
  3. The uniform of the Emperor with either be this:  (picture of Emperor Palpatine) or this: (Picture of Primarch Dysley/Barthandelus from FFXIII)
  4. The official law of the American Empire will be Man Law. Man Law will be monitored and regulated by a Parliamentary system known as “The Council of Man”.  The leadership position will be held by the Emperor himself with the Dark Lord of the Sith and the Grand Moff serving as the no.2 and no.3 in command, respectively.
  5. The Chairman to the Joint Chiefs of Staff will now be known as the Grand Moff, the highest rank in all of the armed forces. They will follow the Tarkin Doctrine – An enforcement of the laws of man.
  6. While the proud citizens of the American Empire are free to follow any religion they want, it is highly recommend that they fall in line with the religion of Man. By becoming an avid worshipper of the Religion of Man, they will achieve a great understanding and enlightenment of Man Law.
  7. The Dark Lord of the Sith will lead a special committee to partake in a special initiative to help improve, unite, and restore the American Empire. The movement will be known hence forth as the

The ImProvement, Unification, Restoration of the General Electorate Initiative

Now there are several “initiatives” that will be done to make sure the Emperor’s Goals are met. The committee led by the Dark Lord of the Sith will be known as “Judges” and their authorized uniforms will look like this: (A collage of all the Judges and FFXII)

  • The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project – All of us know a certain person that is either to the very left or very right of the political spectrum that tends to say some pretty outlandish, moronic, and extreme things that have little to do with fixing this great Empire of mi—ours! You see this quite a bit on Facebook. The Dark Lord of the Sith and the Judges will “resolve” this issue by “eliminating” such extreme views in this manner:

The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project (If link does not work, it is a video of the Jedi Purge from Revenge of the Sith)

  • The Stay Fit Project – A panel of doctors headed by the Surgeon General will subject the people through a series of tests to determine their level of health and weight. If it is concluded that they are overweight due to just being lazy and irresponsible; then the National Guard will be activated, round up those less than desirables and make them walk from Washington D.C to San Francisco. Sure it is a bit extreme, but I know my fellow men when it comes to good stuff and I imagine the following conversation will be happen:

“Hey Bob, don’t you think this is a little—” “What wrong, Jim?” “Is that Becky from Accounting?”

“Yeah, that is. Man, that project did wonders for her, look at the ass she’s got, DAMN!”

  • The Homeless and WFS project – Even as a Superpower; we have our share of homeless citizens and those who have the disease Worthless Fuck Syndrome. Through the legalization of all drugs in this great Empire in an effort to increase yearly revenues, we will heavily regulate the flow to determine who just likes to have fun once in a while and those who have nothing better to do than get high all day and waste our precious resources. Judges will roam through the cities and towns of the Empire, find these individuals, and “correct” the error of their ways with a Desert Eagle. This should serve as a great tool of motivation to awaken the American Spirit and be proud to contribute to the American Way of Life.
  • The Gene Pool Cleansing Project – All citizens will undergo a series of tests that will determine their I.Q, their level of “Common Sense”, and how valuable they can be to the labor pool. If they pass with flying colors, then they are free to remain in the labor pool and become valuable assets to the Empire. Those with mediocre scores will be sterilized and move to different labor sectors of the Empire for menial tasks. Lastly, if citizens are diagnosed with Worthless Waste of Sperm syndrome, they will be “Cured” of their disease by being thrown into the Bayou waters of Louisiana where they will make certain alligators very, very happy.
  1. To resolve the overcrowding of our prisons, the Imperial State of New Jersey will be converted into an Imprisonment Facility to house the current prisoners and less than desirables. A 40 ft. concrete wall will be built around the borders of New Jersey with State-of-The-Art gates for those that do not want to pay the 20 dollar toll to drive over The New Jersey Imperial Correctional Facility on the Superhighway that will be known as the Fornicate Under Consent of the King New Jersey Turnpike. However….New York Giants and New York Jets fans will still pay tolls and cannot take the Superhighway to get to the Meadowlands to watch their perspective teams play. This goes for you Fireman Ed, don’t you be using Jedi Mind Tricks on the Toll Troopers!
  1. The Nation of Canada must pay for its crimes against humanity. They are responsible for such horrifyingaberrations such as Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, Nickelback, Celine Dion, etc. They must issue an apology and must issue monetary refunds to the nations that have been affected by these demons. If they do not, then all Canadian Americans and Canadians residing within the borders will be shipped to Delaware, which will become a “Happy” camp for those less than desirables. Delaware is a prime Imperial state to change the mindset of said Canadians by “cleansing” them with boredom. If they do not apologize for their crimes, the camps will continue until we run out of Canadians to “cleanse”, then the Imperial Air Force will unleash its incredible might and decimate the Canadian countryside until they surrender and apologize to the world for such horrible aberrations.
  1. Prostitution will become legalized in this great land and will be heavily regulated. Those citizens that were diagnosed with WWoS syndrome if attractive enough can spare themselves of “The Cure” by becoming model employees of Prostitution Venues across the land.
  1. Illegal Immigration has become a serious problem and I have created the perfect solution for it. Giant cannons will be places along the southern border of the American Empire. All illegals will be gathered up, stuffed into the cannons and will be launched back to their country of origin.
  1. To further increase revenues for the Empire, executions are now public. They will be held at various arenas and stadiums. 10 dollars for General Admission, 30 Dollars for front row seating, 50 dollars for Suite Boxes.
  1. Funds for Sciences of all fields, Defense, Education, Space Exploration, and Medical Technology will be increased dramatically. In order to sustain a mighty, proud, empire; we must be the most advanced and educated people in the world. I would be content with death’s arrival when we have successfully developed Domesticated Penguins, Domesticated Dinosaurs, Star Destroyers, conquered the Solar System and Voltron. That’s right, Voltron: Defender of the Universe. If we had Voltron 11 years ago, 9/11 would’ve never happen. Kinda hard to crash a plane into the Twin Towers when you have a 100 Story tall Robot made of Space Lions to repel them and throw them into the waters of New York Bay.
  1. The National Anthem will be changed to “America, Fuck Yeah!” from the Motion Picture Soundtrack of Team America: World Police. The anthem of the Dark Lord of the Sith, the Grand Moff, and the Judges will be the Imperial March. The anthem of the Emperor will be “Primarch Dysley”.
  1. The official drink of the American Empire shall be Coca-Cola, well for me, it’s Coca-Cola Zero.
  1. It is highly recommended that you engage in building corporate empires but it is your responsibility alone to maintain them. If your empire crumbles, you will be excommunicated from the Empire.
  1. A new Administrative building where the Council of Man and the extensive database of Man Law, Man History, and Man Religion are stored will be the first building in modern civilization to be 1 mile high in height. It will be called The Tower of Man.
  1. Monster Energy Drink will be the official energy drink of the American Empire. Anything else will be frowned upon.
  1. For those embracing the Religion of Man, each year, you must make a Pilgrimage to Osceola, Missouri. To enjoy cheese that was brought down from the heavens, made by God himself!
  1. An Imperial Decree: When a person goes through drive-thru and requests lots and lots of condiments, you shall give them no less than 10. Failure to oblige will make you eligible for the Gene Pool Cleansing Project.

This just the beginning of a great and proud reign, more plans to give American glory, success, and respect in all fields will come! As this will become a greater Empire than that of Ancient Rome!

Just remember one thing…I am the Emperor, your ruler, master, Supreme Overlord, Lord Sovereign over all!

(Once again, remember, this is not real, this just a joke. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

More Facebook Snippets to come! Stay Tuned!


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