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Missouri Assburbs

August 28, 2014

An Assburb is similar to a Suburb but is a terrible place to be in or generally wasting the potential they have to be a great city. To classify as an Assburb, a city must meet the following requirements: It must be a stand-alone city. Must be over 10,000 or was over 10,000 at one point.

Now let’s look at the Honorable mentions first:

Hannibal – Though it is home to Samuel Clemens and at one point one of the vital ports of the Mississippi during the Steamboat day, they haven’t done much to really standout. Like other communities in the area, they milk Mark Twain for all its worth. Such as Becky Thatcher’s Old Fashioned Homemade Ice Cream because when I think Old Fashioned and Homemade, I think Well’s Blue Bunny.

Rolla – The S&T campus is neat but the town lacks substance, especially in camping territory in Southeast Missouri.

Now, the following cities make up the top 10:

  1. Sikeston – Birthplace of Lambert’s Café…and that’s about it. When you approach this town from the East or the West, you run into ass. You see the decay from the results of a Farming DC leaving town and rusting away. 20 minutes away from Cape Girardeau, it’s the ugly sister. It also has an outlet mall that services five states but you wouldn’t know that by looking at it.
  2. Chillicothe – Out on 36 in Northern Missouri and has US 65 as well, but you don’t get a very good view of the city. You see the outskirts of the town and considering that 65 is one of the pipelines to Springfield/Branson, they would’ve made efforts to draw in tourists, but it’s nothing more than a pit stop and a poor one at that.
  3. Maryville – Home to Northwest Missouri State University and smack dab in Northwest Missouri. There’s not much there beside the university and when you been to bigger campuses, it’s often lacking. Not to mention the rape case that broke national headlines last year but small town life in Missouri in a negative light.
  4. West Plains – Like Rolla, it’s in the thick of forest and mountains, where camping and float trips often take place. Even the Springfield colleges planted satellite campuses here. But when you come in, it is a big pile of poo. The last sign of civilization on 160, you would think it have more to offer, but nope, just a boring place.
  5. Joplin – A trucking town in Tornado Alley with a lame college. That pretty much sums up Joplin.
  6. Jefferson City – This is the capital of Missouri. You would think that they would present themselves a little better. But it’s clearly a huge hemorrhoid. It is right smack bad in the middle of the state and yet nothing about it makes it stand out, other than being a capital city.
  7. Warrensburg – You know you’re city is a total Assburb when MODoT builds a freeway and roundabouts to completely bypass the city. The college there is lame too and they only thing that gives it any merit is a flight school. The stores there are terrible and nothing about the town is good. Now that I think about it, the jackass is the perfect school mascot.
  8. Kirksville – The only reason this town is not #1 is because there are biggest cities that have wasted more potential. It’s in the middle of Northeast Missouri, far far away from St. Louis and Kansas City. Is it really worth it to go to school at Truman State when that degree is going to be just as worthless as a degree from Columbia? The closest place is Hannibal, 90 minutes away.
  9. Kansas City – Yes, that’s right. Not KCK, KCMO. For a town geographically five times the size of St. Louis, it only has around 150,000 more people. And what does it do with such vast space? Nothing. Everything is so spread out which makes it at least 15-20 minutes to get to anything. Now, it may seem interesting if you never been to a city before but once you been to other big cities…’s lame. Kansas City doesn’t have anything besides its BBQ (it’s not very good at that) that makes it unique. When you go to other cities and their metro areas, something stands out. When you go through Kansas City and its Metro Area, nothing stands out and most of the time it’s open country. Sad thing is that most of the more appealing parts of the Metro area are in Kansas. KANSAS for fuckssakes. And the first book I saw when my family went into Barnes and Noble IN Kansas City? A book on the top criminals of Kansas City.

Also, the sports teams here are lame. The Chiefs suck, the Royals are too cheap to contend, and you have Sporting KC which used to be the Wizards. Really? Sporting KC? That is the dumbest fucking name I have ever heard for a sports team ever.

Also, the movie Saving Mr. Banks mentions Kansas City since Walt Disney’s dad bought a delivery route from The Kansas City Star and made Walt and his brothers work their asses off for it. Yes, that’s right. Walt Disney of the very behemoth corporation named after him, The Walt FUCKING Disney Company spent his teenage years in Kansas City. Yet the city makes no effort to let this fact be known.  So for the biggest city to be No.2, the town that’s no.1 must really take the frosting on the cake.

10. Saint Joseph – The top Assburb of Missouri. Undisputed Heavyweight Champion no doubt. This place is home to the honorable and respected 139th Airlift Wing of the Missouri Air National Guard, Chiefs Training Camp, Walter Cronkite, Jesse James, Pony Express, and it is still a shithole!

This place has barrels of wasted potential. It has many redeeming qualities but makes no effort to keep people here. Granted this may seem bias because I used to live there a few years. But many people have felt my pains. The downtown has rotted away and there is nothing to do besides going to the mall. That’s it.

I would say 90% of the people that work in the high-paying, high quality jobs do not live in Saint Joe and often commute to town. Some people drive all the way from Blue Springs and Lee Summit instead of living in town. It’s either that or in some places of employment, the majority of the workforce is immigrants on “work visas” from Latin America, Sub-Saharan Africa, and Burma. Now a slight few do become legal citizens and become valued members of society. Sadly, the rest do not.

People brag that they have the most restaurants on one strip of road. Yes that’s because that very road is the main-fucking-road of Saint Joe.

You also get all the small town migrants in a 50-mile radius mixed in as well because they are either too worthless or too pussy to get out of NW Missouri. People that live in NW Missouri that have struck it rich have been blessed by God or as it called in a non-religious way “Lucky Fuckers” Seriously, those people that have it made are seriously blessed cause it is very hard to have it made in this town.

Finally, there was a survey done by some universities on a few weeks about the unhappiest cities in the USA. New York was no.1, guess what no. 2 was? Saint Fucking Joseph. Granted they don’t show their proof and stats, but the fact that this Assburb made its way to no. 2, that’s pretty bad.

And that is the list of Missouri Assburbs. Thanks for tuning in!

Update – After driving on 63 highway, stopping at trash gas station, people lacking teeth and numerous Busch billboards, West Plains is at #5. Also the numbers are backwards. Its 10,9,8, etc.


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