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The Gospel of Magnum PR: Random Musings

You know that State Farm commercial where all these Elvis Impersonators summons their State Farm Agents? I think it would be hilarious if they made a version of Highlander with the Impersonators killing each other to be the Supreme Elivs Impersonator.

They need to bring back Black Cherry Vanilla Coke but also make it for Coke Zero as well.

When I was riding my bicycle today, it shocks and saddens how much Missouri State Campus has changed. Granted, it’s good the slum houses are torn down but it’s weird seeing all those high-rise apartments.

This is will be extended into either a longer post or a YouTube video blog, but Star Wars, in my opinion is better than Star Trek. I like both, but I like Star Wars for the fantasy aspect. Yes, Star Trek has a lot of realistic features that inspired a lot of today’s technology, but it’s similar to what literary fiction is. I feel that when you get into the fantasy, you need to be moved away to a different but awesome world.

So Tom Brady gets suspended 4 games for being involved in deflating footballs. You know what would’ve helped? Not being a dick and complying with the investigation. Also, why would Indy whine about that? The theory behind deflated footballs is that they have a tighter grip in cold weather games, improving QB play. So…if that’s case…then wouldn’t Andrew Luck’s game improve too? They’re basically saying he’s a shitty qb.

You know what is a gift from God? Osceola Cheese. One day back in 1944, they prayed for an awesome cheese shop. So a choir of Seraphic Angels came down from Heaven and laid down Osceola Cheese Company while singing beautifully in Gregorian chants.

People hate Wal-Mart for their shrewd business tactics and the way they take over businesses but ya know what? At least they’re honest assholes about it!

So Bruce Jenner is a champion for Transgender rights? If that’s the case, why wait so long to come out with it? Also, why wait til you get 2 highly promoted television specials to talk about it? Maybe I’m being an overly-skeptical asshole, but I see this as an opportunity for him and his clan of fame whores to get even more attention to themselves.

That’s all I got for now!

The Gospel of Magnum PR: Facebook Snippets

Howdy folks! It’s been a lil’ while since I updated but lemme tell ya, it’s a great feeling to go through your Facebook Timeline and just remove everything you posted. Sure, you could just deactivate the profile but to me, it’s a much bigger asshole to do and systematically remove the posts. In the course of this process, I found a series of posts I personally found to be hilarious. So, I archived and as such, I shall reveal to you all these “Facebook Snippets”. Consider this Volume 1. Enjoy!

This wasn’t shown at halftime but it needs to be told…
At the NFL Play60 event, Mark Sanchez went up to all the little girls and said, “I’ll hit you up in 10 years!” Shortly after, Jerry Sandusky went up to all the little boys, and said “I’ll hit you up in 10 minutes, meet me in the showers.”

I’ve come to noticed that when some dumbass celebrity dies because they OD on drugs, it’s considered tragic. Somebody OD’ing on drugs is NOT tragic. Somebody getting drunk behind the wheel and getting killed is NOT tragic. A young child dying of leukemia? THAT is tragic.

So I’ve thought of a wrestler persona should I pursue a career in wrestling. His name will be the Angry CSR. His signature moves will be The Hold (Sleeper-hold), The Release (Flying Elbow Drop), The Transfer (Tornado DDT), and The QA Session , where I fling my opponent into opposing turnbuckles and drop kick him in the nuts.

So I thought of a new version of Monopoly. It’ll be called Bailout Monopoly. Unlike other forms of the game, if you go bankrupt, your fate is decided by a pseudo-congress to give you emergency funds to keep you in the game.

Pick-up line for March 15: Hey there good lookin’! Wanna be Julius Caesar to my Roman Senator Knife?
March 17: *walk up to them in a Potato Suit* Ya know, I saved your people from famine, so you should bang me on general principle.

If you think wrestling is fake, go dig up Owen Hart and ask him!

You know ladies, if you suck off an M&M dude, it’s ok to swallow! Because their jizz would taste like milk chocolate!

Q: What happens when Cleveland hires people off the street?
A: They eventually take their talents to South Beach.

Has the perfect idea for a reality TV show: take 16 families, train them in Guerilla warfare, and place them in heated battles in empty shopping malls across in country in attempt to get the flashiest presents for their loved ones. Call it the Christmas Wars. They already try to kill each other over stupid shit on Black Friday, might as well give em guns make some money off it!

Five reasons God hates Brett Favre: 1. God killed his dad. 2. God gave his wife breast cancer. 3. Burned down Reggie White’s church. 4. Allowed a dog killer to beat him at Lambeau Field. 5. Caused the I-35 bridge in Minneapolis to collapse as preemptive punishment for the Minnesota Vikings signing Brett Favre.

Are Sylvester from Looney Tunes and Lou Holtz from ESPN related? They seem to pour out saliva from their mouths when they get excited.

If they made prostitution legal in Missouri, I’ve thought of a hair salon for guys: The Suck n’ Cut. You get a complimentary blowjob while getting a haircut! And of course for the ladies, Cut n’ Munch!

As stated in my status update, I will run in 2020 to become the first Emperor of the United States, or the American Empire. As such, I would like to explain how my reign will bring America back to glory:

(By the way, if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a comedic farce. Don’t take any of this stupid crap seriously)

  1. Instead of having a Vice-President, I will have a Dark Lord of the Sith. This individual will be hand-picked by me and will become my most trusted asset as they will carry out several of my initiatives later on.
  2. The secret service will be known as the Imperial Royal Guard and will only be authorized to wear these uniforms during duty: (A picture of the Imperial Guard from Star Wars)
  3. The uniform of the Emperor with either be this:  (picture of Emperor Palpatine) or this: (Picture of Primarch Dysley/Barthandelus from FFXIII)
  4. The official law of the American Empire will be Man Law. Man Law will be monitored and regulated by a Parliamentary system known as “The Council of Man”.  The leadership position will be held by the Emperor himself with the Dark Lord of the Sith and the Grand Moff serving as the no.2 and no.3 in command, respectively.
  5. The Chairman to the Joint Chiefs of Staff will now be known as the Grand Moff, the highest rank in all of the armed forces. They will follow the Tarkin Doctrine – An enforcement of the laws of man.
  6. While the proud citizens of the American Empire are free to follow any religion they want, it is highly recommend that they fall in line with the religion of Man. By becoming an avid worshipper of the Religion of Man, they will achieve a great understanding and enlightenment of Man Law.
  7. The Dark Lord of the Sith will lead a special committee to partake in a special initiative to help improve, unite, and restore the American Empire. The movement will be known hence forth as the

The ImProvement, Unification, Restoration of the General Electorate Initiative

Now there are several “initiatives” that will be done to make sure the Emperor’s Goals are met. The committee led by the Dark Lord of the Sith will be known as “Judges” and their authorized uniforms will look like this: (A collage of all the Judges and FFXII)

  • The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project – All of us know a certain person that is either to the very left or very right of the political spectrum that tends to say some pretty outlandish, moronic, and extreme things that have little to do with fixing this great Empire of mi—ours! You see this quite a bit on Facebook. The Dark Lord of the Sith and the Judges will “resolve” this issue by “eliminating” such extreme views in this manner:

The Democrat/Republican Restoration Project (If link does not work, it is a video of the Jedi Purge from Revenge of the Sith)

  • The Stay Fit Project – A panel of doctors headed by the Surgeon General will subject the people through a series of tests to determine their level of health and weight. If it is concluded that they are overweight due to just being lazy and irresponsible; then the National Guard will be activated, round up those less than desirables and make them walk from Washington D.C to San Francisco. Sure it is a bit extreme, but I know my fellow men when it comes to good stuff and I imagine the following conversation will be happen:

“Hey Bob, don’t you think this is a little—” “What wrong, Jim?” “Is that Becky from Accounting?”

“Yeah, that is. Man, that project did wonders for her, look at the ass she’s got, DAMN!”

  • The Homeless and WFS project – Even as a Superpower; we have our share of homeless citizens and those who have the disease Worthless Fuck Syndrome. Through the legalization of all drugs in this great Empire in an effort to increase yearly revenues, we will heavily regulate the flow to determine who just likes to have fun once in a while and those who have nothing better to do than get high all day and waste our precious resources. Judges will roam through the cities and towns of the Empire, find these individuals, and “correct” the error of their ways with a Desert Eagle. This should serve as a great tool of motivation to awaken the American Spirit and be proud to contribute to the American Way of Life.
  • The Gene Pool Cleansing Project – All citizens will undergo a series of tests that will determine their I.Q, their level of “Common Sense”, and how valuable they can be to the labor pool. If they pass with flying colors, then they are free to remain in the labor pool and become valuable assets to the Empire. Those with mediocre scores will be sterilized and move to different labor sectors of the Empire for menial tasks. Lastly, if citizens are diagnosed with Worthless Waste of Sperm syndrome, they will be “Cured” of their disease by being thrown into the Bayou waters of Louisiana where they will make certain alligators very, very happy.
  1. To resolve the overcrowding of our prisons, the Imperial State of New Jersey will be converted into an Imprisonment Facility to house the current prisoners and less than desirables. A 40 ft. concrete wall will be built around the borders of New Jersey with State-of-The-Art gates for those that do not want to pay the 20 dollar toll to drive over The New Jersey Imperial Correctional Facility on the Superhighway that will be known as the Fornicate Under Consent of the King New Jersey Turnpike. However….New York Giants and New York Jets fans will still pay tolls and cannot take the Superhighway to get to the Meadowlands to watch their perspective teams play. This goes for you Fireman Ed, don’t you be using Jedi Mind Tricks on the Toll Troopers!
  1. The Nation of Canada must pay for its crimes against humanity. They are responsible for such horrifyingaberrations such as Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, Nickelback, Celine Dion, etc. They must issue an apology and must issue monetary refunds to the nations that have been affected by these demons. If they do not, then all Canadian Americans and Canadians residing within the borders will be shipped to Delaware, which will become a “Happy” camp for those less than desirables. Delaware is a prime Imperial state to change the mindset of said Canadians by “cleansing” them with boredom. If they do not apologize for their crimes, the camps will continue until we run out of Canadians to “cleanse”, then the Imperial Air Force will unleash its incredible might and decimate the Canadian countryside until they surrender and apologize to the world for such horrible aberrations.
  1. Prostitution will become legalized in this great land and will be heavily regulated. Those citizens that were diagnosed with WWoS syndrome if attractive enough can spare themselves of “The Cure” by becoming model employees of Prostitution Venues across the land.
  1. Illegal Immigration has become a serious problem and I have created the perfect solution for it. Giant cannons will be places along the southern border of the American Empire. All illegals will be gathered up, stuffed into the cannons and will be launched back to their country of origin.
  1. To further increase revenues for the Empire, executions are now public. They will be held at various arenas and stadiums. 10 dollars for General Admission, 30 Dollars for front row seating, 50 dollars for Suite Boxes.
  1. Funds for Sciences of all fields, Defense, Education, Space Exploration, and Medical Technology will be increased dramatically. In order to sustain a mighty, proud, empire; we must be the most advanced and educated people in the world. I would be content with death’s arrival when we have successfully developed Domesticated Penguins, Domesticated Dinosaurs, Star Destroyers, conquered the Solar System and Voltron. That’s right, Voltron: Defender of the Universe. If we had Voltron 11 years ago, 9/11 would’ve never happen. Kinda hard to crash a plane into the Twin Towers when you have a 100 Story tall Robot made of Space Lions to repel them and throw them into the waters of New York Bay.
  1. The National Anthem will be changed to “America, Fuck Yeah!” from the Motion Picture Soundtrack of Team America: World Police. The anthem of the Dark Lord of the Sith, the Grand Moff, and the Judges will be the Imperial March. The anthem of the Emperor will be “Primarch Dysley”.
  1. The official drink of the American Empire shall be Coca-Cola, well for me, it’s Coca-Cola Zero.
  1. It is highly recommended that you engage in building corporate empires but it is your responsibility alone to maintain them. If your empire crumbles, you will be excommunicated from the Empire.
  1. A new Administrative building where the Council of Man and the extensive database of Man Law, Man History, and Man Religion are stored will be the first building in modern civilization to be 1 mile high in height. It will be called The Tower of Man.
  1. Monster Energy Drink will be the official energy drink of the American Empire. Anything else will be frowned upon.
  1. For those embracing the Religion of Man, each year, you must make a Pilgrimage to Osceola, Missouri. To enjoy cheese that was brought down from the heavens, made by God himself!
  1. An Imperial Decree: When a person goes through drive-thru and requests lots and lots of condiments, you shall give them no less than 10. Failure to oblige will make you eligible for the Gene Pool Cleansing Project.

This just the beginning of a great and proud reign, more plans to give American glory, success, and respect in all fields will come! As this will become a greater Empire than that of Ancient Rome!

Just remember one thing…I am the Emperor, your ruler, master, Supreme Overlord, Lord Sovereign over all!

(Once again, remember, this is not real, this just a joke. Don’t get your panties in a twist.)

More Facebook Snippets to come! Stay Tuned!

The Internet is boring now.

There, I said it. The internet is great to make bill payments and makes life for convenient, but in terms of entertainment and social interaction, it blows.

When people think of Social Networking, they mainly think of Facebook and Twitter, but this concept has been around since the internet was first made available to the public in 1993.

When websites such as Yahoo and MSN first popper up, they had group pages you could either join or create a group that fit your interests as well as chatrooms to meet people all over the world. To start a website, all you had to do was create an account with website servers such as Geocities and create your personal website.

Chat rooms and chat programs like mIRC, ICQ, MSN, etc. were also great places to meet people form all over. The best part about it? It was a great escape for people who were considered outcasts or didn’t conform with their real-life environments.

I first started using the internet back in 1996, it was the most coolest thing in the world. You were connected to this massive realm full of information. You wanted to find something entertaining, just type it in and you can find a ton of websites to check out. Before Google, there was Infoseek, the original kickass search engine. Yahoo was around too as well as Internet Explorer, but the king of the browsers was Netscape.

When I started dwelving deeper into the social networking aspect back the Summer of 2001, before my freshmen year at SMSU (Now Missouri State). I just went into an MSN room and met a bunch of interesting people. It also helps when my friends gave me their contact lists to talk to some people they met as well. It was great meeting all various sorts of people without that awkward face to face confrontation. No judging me because I thought differently, I didn’t conform, because my family was poor and didn’t fly with the town, etc.

Soon after getting in college, I also started getting involved in various forums, MSN group pages, and Yahoo group pages. I also went to website-based chatrooms for certain bands and other stuff I like. I got invited to a few group pages too. It was pretty neat.

Then I ended up at Outpost10f and while I ran into quite a bit of stuck up douchebags, it was very neat place and once again, I met some interesting people that I still talk to this day. I ruffled a few feathers and settled in a smaller chat and it was decent, until 2006.

2006 was the rise of Facebook and Myspace. They’ve been around,but they didn’t pick up any steam yet. Facebook was just for college students, which was probably the only time it was neat. It was cool to have a place to keep in touch with old college friends.

Google was more than just a search engine now. YouTube was on the rise before it got bought by Google. MySpace and Facebook were growing in popularity and social groups on Google, Yahoo,and MSN were becoming filled with more bots than people. The same was happening to the chatrooms. Websites you could randomly find by word of mouth or searching for it became difficult was YouTube was becoming the main source of entertainment.

By the end of 2006, even the biggest chatrooms were on life support and most of the social interaction took place on Facebook and Myspace. Myspace at least was neat in that you can customize it to whatever you want to have on it.

Then sometime in 2007-2008, Facebook started playing dirty and took a lot of the stuff that made MySpace popular and incorporated them into their website. They also opened the floodgates to the general public by making Facebook available to everybody. Nothing says advancement like dumbing down the material where Joe Dumbass could use it. Myspace fell and got overran by the bots and there was just Facebook. Sure, Twitter emerged but not only it does it have a character limit, it’s too complicated for idiots on Facebook to use.

Facebook was started up by a hack from Harvard who got into some deep shit for hacking into their private directory and use it as the foundation of his social networking site. He would also screw his co-founders out of the company. It is a publicly traded company which means it answer to shareholders. Their revenue is made from mostly ad revenue and selling its users information to third parties so they can shove spam down their throats.

What was once a place for outcasts to call home, it is now a place where outcasts and non-conformists are often ignored or bullied because they are different.

The “proper” form of communication now is share and like photos and memes because people are too lazy and stupid to come up with an original thought of their own. You can’t make clever jokes because you have to explain to these dumbasses the joke step-by-step and have to let them know you are making a joke because they lack the brain cell capacity to understand satire without the body language and vocal tone.

Basically, Facebook sucks.

The only form of entertainment you can find these days is either on Newgrounds or on YouTube since in order to be relevant on the internet to get any kind of traffic, you have to be a part of either Facebook, Google, or Twitter. To get people to view your material, you have to upload it to YouTube.

While I’m liking YouTube for the mass amount of original content it now has as well as plenty of nerdy nostalgia such as retro TV commericals or old TV signoffs, the old days of the Internet were much better.

The Gospel of Magnum PR Intro and Disclaimer Stuff

This is the name of my blog, I should have done this sooner but I forgot.

Anyway, my name is Magnum PR and this is my blog.

I’ll say pretty much anything that is on my mind and it is my opinion and my opinion alone.

If you don’t like offensive stuff, you might want to steer clear of some of my posts.

Feel free to comment, but please be civil and constructive about it or else I’ll remove it.

This is my blog, not Facebook. Thank you.

Missouri Assburbs

An Assburb is similar to a Suburb but is a terrible place to be in or generally wasting the potential they have to be a great city. To classify as an Assburb, a city must meet the following requirements: It must be a stand-alone city. Must be over 10,000 or was over 10,000 at one point.

Now let’s look at the Honorable mentions first:

Hannibal – Though it is home to Samuel Clemens and at one point one of the vital ports of the Mississippi during the Steamboat day, they haven’t done much to really standout. Like other communities in the area, they milk Mark Twain for all its worth. Such as Becky Thatcher’s Old Fashioned Homemade Ice Cream because when I think Old Fashioned and Homemade, I think Well’s Blue Bunny.

Rolla – The S&T campus is neat but the town lacks substance, especially in camping territory in Southeast Missouri.

Now, the following cities make up the top 10:

  1. Sikeston – Birthplace of Lambert’s Café…and that’s about it. When you approach this town from the East or the West, you run into ass. You see the decay from the results of a Farming DC leaving town and rusting away. 20 minutes away from Cape Girardeau, it’s the ugly sister. It also has an outlet mall that services five states but you wouldn’t know that by looking at it.
  2. Chillicothe – Out on 36 in Northern Missouri and has US 65 as well, but you don’t get a very good view of the city. You see the outskirts of the town and considering that 65 is one of the pipelines to Springfield/Branson, they would’ve made efforts to draw in tourists, but it’s nothing more than a pit stop and a poor one at that.
  3. Maryville – Home to Northwest Missouri State University and smack dab in Northwest Missouri. There’s not much there beside the university and when you been to bigger campuses, it’s often lacking. Not to mention the rape case that broke national headlines last year but small town life in Missouri in a negative light.
  4. West Plains – Like Rolla, it’s in the thick of forest and mountains, where camping and float trips often take place. Even the Springfield colleges planted satellite campuses here. But when you come in, it is a big pile of poo. The last sign of civilization on 160, you would think it have more to offer, but nope, just a boring place.
  5. Joplin – A trucking town in Tornado Alley with a lame college. That pretty much sums up Joplin.
  6. Jefferson City – This is the capital of Missouri. You would think that they would present themselves a little better. But it’s clearly a huge hemorrhoid. It is right smack bad in the middle of the state and yet nothing about it makes it stand out, other than being a capital city.
  7. Warrensburg – You know you’re city is a total Assburb when MODoT builds a freeway and roundabouts to completely bypass the city. The college there is lame too and they only thing that gives it any merit is a flight school. The stores there are terrible and nothing about the town is good. Now that I think about it, the jackass is the perfect school mascot.
  8. Kirksville – The only reason this town is not #1 is because there are biggest cities that have wasted more potential. It’s in the middle of Northeast Missouri, far far away from St. Louis and Kansas City. Is it really worth it to go to school at Truman State when that degree is going to be just as worthless as a degree from Columbia? The closest place is Hannibal, 90 minutes away.
  9. Kansas City – Yes, that’s right. Not KCK, KCMO. For a town geographically five times the size of St. Louis, it only has around 150,000 more people. And what does it do with such vast space? Nothing. Everything is so spread out which makes it at least 15-20 minutes to get to anything. Now, it may seem interesting if you never been to a city before but once you been to other big cities…..it’s lame. Kansas City doesn’t have anything besides its BBQ (it’s not very good at that) that makes it unique. When you go to other cities and their metro areas, something stands out. When you go through Kansas City and its Metro Area, nothing stands out and most of the time it’s open country. Sad thing is that most of the more appealing parts of the Metro area are in Kansas. KANSAS for fuckssakes. And the first book I saw when my family went into Barnes and Noble IN Kansas City? A book on the top criminals of Kansas City.

Also, the sports teams here are lame. The Chiefs suck, the Royals are too cheap to contend, and you have Sporting KC which used to be the Wizards. Really? Sporting KC? That is the dumbest fucking name I have ever heard for a sports team ever.

Also, the movie Saving Mr. Banks mentions Kansas City since Walt Disney’s dad bought a delivery route from The Kansas City Star and made Walt and his brothers work their asses off for it. Yes, that’s right. Walt Disney of the very behemoth corporation named after him, The Walt FUCKING Disney Company spent his teenage years in Kansas City. Yet the city makes no effort to let this fact be known.  So for the biggest city to be No.2, the town that’s no.1 must really take the frosting on the cake.

10. Saint Joseph – The top Assburb of Missouri. Undisputed Heavyweight Champion no doubt. This place is home to the honorable and respected 139th Airlift Wing of the Missouri Air National Guard, Chiefs Training Camp, Walter Cronkite, Jesse James, Pony Express, and it is still a shithole!

This place has barrels of wasted potential. It has many redeeming qualities but makes no effort to keep people here. Granted this may seem bias because I used to live there a few years. But many people have felt my pains. The downtown has rotted away and there is nothing to do besides going to the mall. That’s it.

I would say 90% of the people that work in the high-paying, high quality jobs do not live in Saint Joe and often commute to town. Some people drive all the way from Blue Springs and Lee Summit instead of living in town. It’s either that or in some places of employment, the majority of the workforce is immigrants on “work visas” from Latin America, Sub-Saharan Africa, and Burma. Now a slight few do become legal citizens and become valued members of society. Sadly, the rest do not.

People brag that they have the most restaurants on one strip of road. Yes that’s because that very road is the main-fucking-road of Saint Joe.

You also get all the small town migrants in a 50-mile radius mixed in as well because they are either too worthless or too pussy to get out of NW Missouri. People that live in NW Missouri that have struck it rich have been blessed by God or as it called in a non-religious way “Lucky Fuckers” Seriously, those people that have it made are seriously blessed cause it is very hard to have it made in this town.

Finally, there was a survey done by some universities on MSN.com a few weeks about the unhappiest cities in the USA. New York was no.1, guess what no. 2 was? Saint Fucking Joseph. Granted they don’t show their proof and stats, but the fact that this Assburb made its way to no. 2, that’s pretty bad.

And that is the list of Missouri Assburbs. Thanks for tuning in!

Update – After driving on 63 highway, stopping at trash gas station, people lacking teeth and numerous Busch billboards, West Plains is at #5. Also the numbers are backwards. Its 10,9,8, etc.

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