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The Greatest McDonald’s Ad. EVER.

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So I have an idea for the most controversial, yet awesome McDonald’s ad ever. In case that last sentence didn’t give you a heads up about what’s ahead, let me say this: THIS WILL BE OFFENSIVE AND RISQUE, IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, STOP READING. THANK YOU. 

 

It’s a series of black screens with white texts accompanied by a female moaning and groaning. The text reads as follows:

“McDonald’s has led overall in quality and sales in the past 5 years (that’s not true, 5 is an excellent number). Even our competitors agree with how awesome our product is. Don’t believe us? Fine. Ask the Wendy’s girl yourself.”

Then the camera pans to a naked Wendy’s Girl (ya know, that hot redhead from the commericals) getting pounded from behind. The camera pans out some more and you see Ronald McDonald in nothing but his red gloves and boots, just tapping her doggie style. He has one hand pulling her long red hair back and the other on her left hip. He’s got this blank stare, ala Nick Cage brutal fight/sex scene in Drive Angry.

He looks down at her and yells, “Oooh, take that Quarter Pounder you bitch!” and slaps her ass. She yells, “Oh yeah, I’m loving it, Ronald Baby! Get that Big Mac deep inside like how daddy puts his Baconator in my ass!” as Grimace stands in the corner and shouts out, “Yeah, Ronald! Pound that shit!” Ronald sings “Ronald’s in that ass” to the “I’m Lovin’ It” tune.

Then, Fry Gurl yells at Ronald to get the Money Shot ready as he puts the Wendy’s girl on her back and yells, “Let me make a Vanilla Milkshake to go with that Quarter Pounder!” as he starts shooting his jizz all over her face. “Oh yeah, gimme that McFlurry cum!” she screams as she licks it off.

The commercial ends with Hamburglar hi-fiving Ronald as the Wendy’s Girl looks into the camera and says, “Ummmm, now THAT’s better.” As the I’m loving it music plays followed by the McDonald’s logo.

The Gospel of Magnum PR: Remaking the Prequels: Episode I

So, with Disney owning Star Wars, one of the dream scenarios (as Disney likes to play it safe and just turn it into a cash factory) is rebooting the prequels. I’ll be giving my ideas on how to make each prequel better because let’s face it, they didn’t just suck, they were an abomination.

The prequels need to have a simple purpose: To show the fall of the Republic, the birth and rise of the Galactic Empire, rise and full of Anakin Skywalker, the arrival of Vader, and the fall of the Jedi Order. That being said, the tone of the prequels should be action packed but depressing.  The Sith should take the role of the Rebels as the underdogs and the Republic as the favorites, like the Empire.

The prequels should also be focused on Anakin, much like how the original focused on Luke as this father and son duo are vital to these key events occurring throughout the 6 films. You can also connect the time between the 6 films with various games, books, TV shows, mini-movies, etc.

Episode I should introduce the players that set the pieces of events leading to A New Hope into motion. So without further ado…Episode I – The Phantom Menace. This will be set 45 years Before A New Hope.

  • Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, just having passed his trials to be eligible for Jedi Knighthood, are at a Republic Post outside Naboo orbit. They notice that the forces requested by the council has been significantly smaller than promised in the orders, agreeing that they shall approach the Supreme Chancellor after this mission. They debate about the role of the Jedi being nothing more than “Force Scientists” and “Republic Policemen”. Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan that a Jedi Knight should not only follow the force, but protect its delicate balance, become one with it and life will have endless fulfillment instead of being either stuck in a lab, on Republic patrol while having to follow the bureaucracy of the Jedi Council and Senate.
  • Qui-Gon senses a disturbance as the Republic Cruiser is assaulted by a massive droid armada. Under heavy fire, the cruiser loses power, sinks into the Naboo Atmosphere and crashes into one of its heavy marshes. The Jedi are the lone survivors and wake up in an underwater city. The Gungans reveal themselves and inform them that they were the only ones that survived the crash. They also inform the Jedi that Naboo, like other planets were under siege by the Trade Joint Force due to the GFTA. Qui-Gon convinces Boss Nass to inform Queen Amidala of the Jedi’s arrival, to initiate a plan to bypass the blockade, and show the botched Republic ambush and Naboo occupation to Senator Palpatine.
  • Amidala arrives at the underwater palace and with Boss Nass, form a small escape team with the Jedi to head to Coruscant. The Gungans and Humans unleash a diversionary attack on the droid forces so the escape team can bypass the blockade and leave the system. Veteran Cliegg Lars heads the ship crew and brought along his son, Owen. During this Owen struck a friendship with Obi-Wan.
  • While they managed to get out of the Naboo system, Amidala’s Freighter took serious damage and as a result, the hyperdrive was disabled. Cliegg advised Qui-Gon that he knew that the closet planet for repairs was Tatooine. He also advised that they could approach his friend, Jorelles Skywalker, a moisture farmer and expert starship mechanic could repair the freighter to full mission capability at a reasonable price. Qui-Gon agrees as they get a hologram from Valorum. He explains to the Jedi that he ordered a sizeable force to repel the Trade Force blockade but the orders were modified at the last minute by one of his opponents on the Armed Forces committee and would like them to investigate when they arrive to Coruscant. He feels someone is secretly pulling strings behind the scenes for a sinister plot as Qui-Gon agrees.
  • The Trade Forces contact Palpatine as Sidious and inform them of the situation. He deploys his apprentice Darth Maul, now a Sith Stealth Assassin to follow the Jedi, agitate them, and return to him with his results. Palpatine uses this maneuver to appease the Joint Forces and sets the seeds for the trigger to oust Valorum.
  • When the group arrived at Tatooine, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan felt a tremendous presence in the force as they been sensing it since entering Tatooine space. Both Jedi confirm that it is a presence they are not familiar with and do not know the origin until they notice the protocol droid C-3P0. Jorelles explains then that his 10-year old son, Anakin, created the droid and scrap pieces when he was only 6. He calls Anakin into the room (this is also when Owen, Anakin’s older sister) and both Jedi are in shock as the presence of the force is coming from the 10-year old.
  • While Jorelles is working out the details to repair ship as well as catches up with Cliegg, Anakin asks Obi-Wan if he wants to see his lightsaber. Obi-Wan laughs as he believes Anakin is pulling his leg and reminds him that the only way to obtain a lightsaber is through one of the many trials at the Jedi Academy right as Anakin pulls out and activates his lightsaber.
  • Anakin explains to Obi-Wan that he was to find materials while searching a cave on the farm property (which would later become Obi-Wan’s cave) and built his lightsaber. Obi-Wan then decides to entertain the child and briefly duels with Anakin as he is surprised by not only Anakin’s ability to wield the lightsaber, but has remarkable swordsmanship skills for his age.
  • After the repairs are done, the Skywalker family and the group enjoy a nice dinner as Shmi talks about Anakin’s miraculous birth, his mysterious anger issues which he has no idea he was or how he gets angry. Amidala contacts Palpatine about the situation and informs him of the evidence they intend to show during the Senate session as proof the Joint Force is blockading and occupy many planets such as Naboo who pushed for the GFTA.
  • Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon discuss Anakin as they were impressed with the young boy’s many abilities. Obi-Wan suggest they give him a midichlorian test when Qui-Gon scolds his padawan that The Force cannot be treated as an exact science and inform him that they were able to feel his presence just entering Tatooine space. Qui-Gon informs the council of the situation and about the young boy.
  • Maul, who was spying on the Jedi, contacts Palpatine and informs him that the “superweapon” not only exists, but is alive and well as a 10-year old boy. Palpatine, as Sidious, informs Maul to track the group and if the opportunity arises, to kidnap the boy and bring him directly to Sidious.
  • Jorelles enters the porch with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to discuss payment options:
  • Jorelles: I had a feeling you two would still be up. I wanted to discuss pay.

Qui-Gon: Yes, of course.

Jorelles: Preferably alone.

Qui-Gon: I can assure you, your words are safe with my Padawan.

Jorelles: Normally, I would charge 5,000 credits for full repair since Cliegg is my friend and I am helping the Republic, but I won’t charge you. Instead, I would exchange my services for a favor…

Qui-Gon: What kind of favor?

Jorelles: Take my son with you. Train him to be a Jedi Knight.

Qui-Gon: You want me to train him?

Jorelles: You both have seen his abilities. Hell, for no training, he held his ground against your padawan. Sure, he could help Beru, get into the family business or join Cliegg and Owen to become a freighter pilot, but I feel he is destined for great things, not to rot away here. If you can get him the Jedi Academy or get him into something more meaningful than he would ever achieve here, that would be worth much more than any amount of money you could pay.

Qui-Gon: You have my word. I will see to it that Anakin fulfills his destiny; he will become one with The Force.

Obi-Wan: Master! You can’t assure him—

Qui-Gon: It WILL my padawan. With or without backing of the Council.

Jorelles: Thank you, Master Jedi.

Qui-Gon: No, thank you.

  • The group adds Anakin as he gives an emotional goodbye as well as Owen, who has become attached to Beru. As Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan prepare to leave, they hear Anakin scream. The crew is knocked down while Cliegg, Owen, Jorelles, and Captain Tanaka are taking aim at a mysterious warrior in black, deflecting their shots while trying to kidnap Anakin. Qui-Gon force sprints and force pushes Maul off his speeder, freeing Anakin of his grip. Obi-Wan grabs Anakin as Qui-Gon orders him to protect the boy with his life as well as ordering the crew back into the ship and prepare for flight.
  • Qui-Gon manages to get Maul away from the Freighter and duels with Maul, giving the crew time to get the ship in the air. Once the ship is ready to exit the atmosphere, Qui-Gon force pushes Maul into a nearby Sand Dune that stuns him; Qui-Gon jumps up into the ship as it exits Tatooine.
  • Maul arrives at an undisclosed location and gives another report to Sidious. Sidious does not scold Maul for failing to kill the Jedi and retrieving the superweapon. However, he advised him to find Qui-Gon and to slay him as he could put their plans into jeopardy due to his immunity to the dark energy from the force flare Palpatine is using to hasten his dark scheme.
  • The group arrives at Coruscant as Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Anakin meet before the Jedi Council. Qui-Gon makes his case to train Anakin to be a Jedi Knight. While the council agrees that the young boy has tremendous skill and power, they cannot agree to put him through formal Jedi training as due to the dark energy, they cannot foresee his future, but hint that Qui-Gon can train himself as it would be beneficial for him to receive some sort of Jedi training instead of falling into the wrong hands. Qui-Gon tells Anakin if they won’t accept him into Academy, he will train him to be a Jedi Knight himself.
  • As Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan leave the council room, Valorum appears before them and asks them if they noticed anything odd from the files he gave them as it supports his theory. Qui-Gon advises that they would need access to the full Senate archives to make a full inquiry. Valorum says he’ll try to get it through but reminds them to hurry, the emergency session is about to start soon and might be removed.
  • At the emergency session, Amidala, Nass, and Palpatine present their case to the senate to take military action against the Joint Force. After showing not only the evidence of the Naboo blockade but of the ambush on Tatooine by Maul, Palpatine uses the shock and disgust of the Senate to set forth his motion to oust Valorum:

“Colleagues and Comrades, we have seen the devastation that the Trade Federation and their associates have done to punish those that want a fair marketplace. The Republic cannot stand idle and allow these thugs to cripple this great Union. The time for us to act is now. If he cannot meet those demands, then I recommend that we find someone that will fix our problems with an iron fist, restore order to the occupied planets, and restore the glory and legacy of the Galactic Republic!!!”

  • The Senate reacts to his speech with thunderous applause and unanimously votes to impeach Valorum and hold a special recall election for an interim chancellor. They also approved Palpatine’s motion to activate the Republic Armed Forces to resolve the conflict. The Jedi Council approves deployment of Jedi to the locations and Qui-Gon is allowed to train Anakin while they can discuss implementation of a special program to be run by Qui-Gon to train Anakin to be a Jedi Knight.
  • The crew gets back into Naboo with the help of the Republic Fleet. The Fleet with Naboo’s Space forces attacks the Trade Union blockade while the Gungans and Naboo ground forces battle the droids. As Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon escort Amidala, Darth Maul appears, armed with his double-edge lightsaber. The Jedi battle the Sith Lord while Amidala and Anakin head to the control room to activate the cannons to destroy the main station.
  • As they approach the control room, Anakin runs off and watches the Jedi fight Maul. Maul seals off Obi-Wan and fights Qui-Gon one on one. By the time Obi-Wan is able to break through the shield, Darth Mauls stuns Qui-Gon and impales him, killing the Jedi. Obi-Wan falls to his knees in a state of shock as Anakin screams in sadness as Amidala muffles his cries and rushes back to the control room.
  • Maul kicks aside Qui-Gon’s dead body and walks towards Obi-Wan and attempts to take his head off but Obi-Wan unleashes a fit of rage and blocks Maul’s attack and force pushes him back. Obi-Wan jumps up and overpowers Maul, slices him in half and kicks him down a chute. He rushes to Qui-Gon as his master informs him he is ready to become a Jedi Knight and makes take a vow to train Anakin, to make sure he becomes a Jedi Knight, and to keep him from the dark side at all costs.
  • The main cannon destroys the main station, which resulted in a victory for the Republic as their forces overwhelmed the Trade Federation. In Coruscant, Palpatine is elected as Supreme Chancellor with 80% of the vote.
  • Obi-Wan is made a Jedi Knight and vows to train Anakin to become a Jedi Knight.
  • Palpatine, under the guise of Sidious, meets with the leaders of the +
  • Trade Federation. He advised that it was time for a build up for forces and keep an open eye since many systems dissatisfied with the Republic may view it as an abuse of power. This would be an opportunity to strengthen your ranks as well as scare off the thugs. He then goes into a room with an unidentified person. Sidious proclaims that everything is going as planned and he’ll need to remove another threat.
  • Palpatine summons Damask as his senator identity into his chambers, announces his plans to take over the republic and become supreme overlord and that he has outlived his usefulness. He uses force lightning on Plagueis, killing him, making him the true Dark Lord of the Sith.

The last scene is a celebration at Naboo with Obi-Wan, newly initiated padawan Anakin, Amidala, and Palpatine. Palpatine looks down at Anakin and tells him he expects great things out of him.

A few more things, as you noticed I kept some scenes from the original the scene. I think they could still work with a bit of polishing up. Anakin should be seen as cocky, arrogant, but a good-natured kid. I will keep the Sidious/Palpatine angle because if Palpatine is going to pull off this grand scheme, he can’t be waltzing through the senate halls under his Sith Persona, can he?

That’s all I got, see ya!

The Gospel of Magnum PR: McGruff 2: The Wrath of Vick

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Not only does McGruff need a movie…he needs a trilogy! This sequel goes back about 10 years to 2007. Michael Vick’s Bad Newz Kennelz was peaking in business and then FBI Agent and Favorite Pupil of McGruff Timothy McDonald enlists his former mentor’s help to take down Vick’s dogfighting ring. 

McGruff is on a personal vendetta since due to dogfighting, many of his fellow brethren was sold into slavery as dogfighters. As such, many have died. He is considered the last of his kind. He’s warned not to let his emotions to take over as Vick is the cog in the puzzle they need to breakdown this cruel sport across the nation.

Timmy would “sell” McGruff to Vick so Timmy will investigate the paperwork while McGruff investigates the operations of the ring. While McGruff fights his way up the ranks, he arranged for his defeated opponents to fake their deaths with APSCA’s help to get them out.

As Timmy searches the paperwork and databases in Vick’s office, he becomes concerned as he sees classified documents about genetic experiments performed by a government-endorsed agency whose name has been blacked out. It eventually leads him to an underground laboratory that has clones of not only McGruff, but other anthropomorphic dogs as well.

As McGruff gets to the top of the dogfighting chain, he rendezvous with Timmy as they feel they have enough to arrest Vick and shutdown his ring. As McGruff tells the authorities their conclusion from their findings as well as requests for reinforcements, Timmy shows McGruff the labs. McGruff is horrified and angered with what he sees, he tells Timmy to wait for the reinforcements to arrive as he handles Vick himself. 

McGruff barges into Vick’s personal quarters and demands all leave him and Vick alone. He grabs Vick by the neck and throws him across the room, against the wall. McGruff reveals to Vick his true identity as well as Timmy’s to inform him of their undercover sting. Vick and McGruff battle it out in an Epic Fight Scene as they are equally matched.

Vick is finally defeated when McGruff pulled out the original copy of Madden ’04 as Vick drops to the ground in incredible pain, holding on to his leg. Vick taunts McGruff to kill to justify his lust for revenge but McGruff show mercy as he wishes for Vick to receive judgement and atone for his sins. 

McGruff drags Vick to Timmy in cuffs as Timmy tells him the reinforcements are here. Vick begins to chuckle at the two. This starts a key conversation that reveals they were set up, a conspiracy unearthed that links this movie to the third and final film. 

McGruff: What’s so funny, Vick?

Timmy: Yeah, soon the FBI, DEA, ATF, with state and local authorities will be here to end your operation.

Vick: *laughs* You think it’s that clear & cut?

McGruff: Ah, you think the “Celebrity Card” is gonna either get you out of this or get you a trip to Club Fed.

Vick: You told “Them” about those documents and my labs didn’t you?

Timmy: Of course we did! We aren’t letting you off the hook. They’ll throw the book at you! Those were top secret files and operations that you had illegal access to! 

Vick: And you think once you told them, they’ll send those authorities and have this leaked all over the press? Hell No!

McGruff: *Looks out the window* That’s Spec Ops! They must be here to clean up, stage it as just dogfighting rings as well as making it look like his cousin threw parties with illegal drugs here. That’s what you want us to believe, right?

Vick: They’re “government sponsored” but not our government’s forces though.

Timmy: Then who?

Vick: I’m not at liberty to say, too soon…..but you two will find out eventually. 

McGruff: Tell that to the authorities. 

As Vick predicted, a spec ops team came in and escorted the three out of the compound. They destroyed the documents and labs as they made it look like it was a regular drug bust and they just happened to find a dogfighting ring exposed. These crews would also be similar to the cleanup crews McGruff saw Procter & Gamble used in the first movie. When McGruff and Timmy attempt to pry for information, they were told to drop as National Security depended on it. 

The last scene of the movie is where Timmy & McGruff part ways. Timmy tells McGruff farewell and encourages him to live his life as always, not to worry about the cover up. Timmy intends to dig deeper into these workings and exposes it, which cliff hangs into the third and final film. 

 

 

 

 

The Gospel of Magnum PR: McGruff: The Movie

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So, Hollywood has been intent on milking the cash how that is nostalgia. Turning classic shows, movies, and comics into major blockbusters or major busts. But there is one person or I should say animal that has hit gotten the big screen treatment. That is Mr.McGruff, the crime fighting dog. He is long overdue for a blockbuster.

To start off the movie, we need an epic movie title that lets people know that this is McGruff’s time to shine. 

After the intro, there is a flashback to at some point in 1990, a young kid by the name of Timmy. He is excited to head to school that day because his role model, Mr. McGruff is coming to his class. McGruff gives a presentation on the dangers of drug use and is delighted to see his favorite student. Timmy promises him he will stay away from drugs and become a cop just like him. 

25 years later, Mr. McGruff is finishing up another session where he finds out that Timmy is now living in the projects in the Bronx. He finds a slum lord apartment with the door cracked open. He enters inside to see Timmy lying on the floor from an apparent heroin overdose. Within seconds, the D.A.R.E squadron that was with him at school shows up and informs him that he is the executor of Timmy’s Estate. 

With the guidance of D.A.R.E, McGruff goes on a hunting spree tracking down the dealers who sold Timmy the drugs. Eventually the source of the lethal heroin is traced to mass opium fields in Columbia control by Juan Valdez. McGruff questions the information as Columbia well known for their cocaine production and that Juan Valdez is more known for making Colombian Coffee beans. 

D.A.R.E insists that Juan Valdez is one of the most powerful drug lords in the world and he must be stopped or else Timmy’s death will mean nothing. McGruff and D.A.R.E head to Columbia to take down Valdez’s drug empire and burn his fields. As they defeated his cartel forces fairly easy, McGruff is horrified as the D.A.R.E are taking over Valdez’s mass coffee fields. 

Once they take control, he sees Procter and Gamble workers enter the area to overtake the coffee fields. As sees the betrayal proceed, Juan Valdez gains enough strength to tell McGruff the truth. “Thomas McGruff, D.A.R.E has been a sting operation created and funded by the conglomerate Procter & Gamble to take out its competition under the guise of drug prevention. They would hire third-party mercenaries to plant the drug fields on our property so they can justify using D.A.R.E to destroy the fields and steal our assets. You must go to Seattle and contact Howard Schultz, the founder of Starbucks. He will tell you everything. Sorry for your friend to get caught up in this.”

McGruff heads to Seattle and is surprised when the baristas at the Original Starbucks inform him that the master is expecting him. Schultz explains that he’s being watching Procter & Gamble for years during their quest for a monopoly on the coffee market. He founded Starbucks to keep the choice for coffee alive. He owns over 15,000 stores with combat-trained baristas to combat P&G anywhere at anytime. He informs McGruff the reason he supports liberal and democratic policies is because no one will think “Bleeding Heart” liberals are capable of putting up a fight. He finally reveals that Timmy was on the verge of uncovering P&G when they used their political muscle to blacklist him from law enforcement worldwide and had his family murdered. They also staged his death to look like he overdosed on Heroin so McGruff would take his vengeance out on Juan Valdez. 

The last act is Shultz and McGruff assembling the Baristas for an epic final fight in Cincinnati, Ohio at the P&G headquarters. McGruff hacks into their servers to send their information to the SEC and FTC where upon receiving it, they call in reinforcements form the DEA, ATF, and FBI to help the Baristas defeat P&G and restore order to the coffee market, giving people the choice to drink coffee that isn’t Folgers. 

The DEA and ATF agreed to reform D.A.R.E and nominated McGruff to take over to keep drug prevention policies in place. McGruff enlists Timmy’s best friend to oversee the day-to-day operations. Shultz asks what McGruff is going to do and McGruff ends the movie with, “Howard, I gotta do what I do best….to take a bite out of crime” and strolls into the sunset with his shotgun. Credits roll.

That’s my idea for a McGruff movie. I think he’s due for an epic blockbuster flick. 

The Gospel of Magnum PR: The Christmas Holiday Dilemma

 

Disclaimer: I am not going after non-religious people or people of other faith with this post. I am talking to just the Christians, it may apply to some or someone reading this might be reminded of somebody. Also, this is optional to read as always, you can always ignore it and “turn the other cheek”.

So as of “Black Friday”, the Holiday season has begun. Certain Christians cry foul that it’s blasphemy to not call it Christmas because everyone is Christian and might get offended by it. 

Honestly, I’m glad it’s called the “Holiday Season” because 1. Like it or not (I’m to talking to certain Christians out there, myself included) non-religious people and people of other faiths have ceremonies they celebrate during the month of December and 2. Other than the celebration of the birth of the Christian savior, Jesus Christ, there is little that has something to do with Christianity. 

For Christians, this day is supposed to be a time of being giving, loving, humbling, graceful, all the things Christ wants us Christians to be is what appears to be the opposite.

We “live by the sword” when it comes to shopping events like Black Friday, hurting each other, sometimes killing each other over something as pointless as a cheap TV. (Side note – This will lead to a future humorous post about making a reality TV and PPV out of Black Friday).

Instead of trying to be charitable and help the poor or loved ones get a hand up by giving them something they NEEED, we get people materialistic junk because we WANT it and justify it by saying we EARNED it, DESERVE it, and because it “helps the economy”. 

Instead of not judging and being humble, some of us throw a fit that people might get offended over Christmas and there non-Christian holidays. We also tend to brag about our religion at this time and often act arrogant about it. 

Instead of honoring our savior, we have turned Christmas into the WrestleMania of capitalism and wrapped around Santa Claus and his magical reindeer that will send our children whatever they please as long as they exhibit good behavior under his will.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to get your loved one gifts, just don’t go overboard and try to make sure it’s something they need. Also, those receiving the gifts, be grateful and humble that they thought of you when they send holiday shopping. It bothers me people don’t like the gifts they want and get the receipts so they can get what they want. 

I could really be specific and pull out the bible verses that tell the certain values Christians should be trying achieve. However, because for those of us that claim to be Christians, we should believe in him and be like him, not the exact opposite. 

If we want to bring back “Christmas”, then we need to start acting like Christ and be more loving and giving. We need to stop judging and be humbled. 

Finally, if we want to give people the best gift around, then we should be trying to expose the lost to the greatest gift available at their free choosing: Jesus and the Gospel. Matthew 28: 18-20 says it best: Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

That said…Merry Christmas everybody!😀

 

The Gospel of Magnum PR: Random Parody Songs

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away…I made some parody of hit songs. I have a few ideas of some new parodies, but I haven’t got around to them. So here is 3 of them for your enjoyment!

At Chuck’s- A Parody of 50 Cent’s In The Club about Charlie Bucket after the events of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go Charlie
It’s your birthday
We gon’ party like it’s ya birthday
We gon’ sip Chocolate Bacardi like it’s ya birthday
And you know we don’t give a fuck
You own Wonka’s Factory!

[Chorus] (2x)
You can find me at Chuck’s, chugging chocolate rum
Chuck’s got everlasting X if you into taking drugs
I’m into fucking hot sluts, I ain’t into loving Oompa Loompas
So come eat some candy bars filled with pot if you into getting high

[Verse]
When I see C-Bucket, you see the Benz up and down the street
He used to be dirt poor, now he’s living fat at Wonka’s
Niggas heard I’m pals with Chuck, now they wanna show me love
When he sells more than Hersheys, the hoes they wanna fuck
But homes C-Bucket hasn’t changed, still the same since finding dat Gold ticket
I see Chuck at the factory making me some dope
If you watch how Chuck moves you’ll mistake him for a playa or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but he don’t walk wit a limp
In the hood then the ladies saying “Chuck you hot”
They like me too, but I want them to love me like they love Chuck
But holla in London them niggas tell ya he’s pimp
And the plan is to put the candy game in a choke hold
He’s feelin’ focused man, his money on makin’ candy
He’s got a bill out the deal and he’s still pumpin’ candy
Now Charlie said she feeling my style, she feeling my flow
His hoes wanna get bi and they ready to go

[Chorus] (2x)

[Bridge]
Wanka’s crib, Wanka’s cocoa brought him the doe
That bought him all his fancy things
His crib, His cars, His pools, His jewels
Look nigga he’s got the world by his nuts and won’t change

[Verse]
And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you’d be happy he made it
He’s that mack daddy by the bar toasting to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga trying to pull him back right?
When my game gets to pumpin at Chuck’s my pimpin’s on
He wink his eye at ya bitch, if you smile he’ll share the wealth
If the roof on fire, the Oopma Loompas will take care of it
If you talking bout money homes, He ain’t concerned
Banks told him money last him for a long time so he’s spending his g’s on all the hoes
If the niggas hate then let ’em hate
Watch the money pile up with the candy roll off the shelves
We go on his patio wit a bottle of chocolate rum
You know where we fucking be

[Chorus] (2x)

[Talking]
(laughing) Don’t try to act like you ain’t know where we been either nigga
At Chuck’s all the time nigga, its about to pop off nigga
C-Bucket

Black People – A parody of Outkast’s Ms. Jackson (Update: This was written 15 years so I’m well aware there are Black Legos now)

Why couldn’t you make black people legos so all us niggas be happy, happy, happy, happy, so happy, happy

Yeah, goes like this y’all

Chorus:

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

We never got to be legos, but whites got to

They always get what they want but we are sick of the bullshit

There’s star wars legos but there’s no Lando

They have alien and robot legos, but no black legos

They would make Pokemon legos before they would make us

I always played with legos and dreamed of being a lego man

In the words of Martin Luther King, “I have a dream…”

“That one day we will be the coolest legos of them all”

All we ask is that you make us black people legos, that’s all we want

Cause you know the world isn’t full of white middle class people

We’re tired of being left out

Yes there was a black guy in Final Fantasy VII

But those two white boys kept stealing the show from the G

All we want is a little respect in da lego hood

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

All the black people

Want to see some black legos

You say it’s impossible

But we say it is

Hope there is some changes

Make us some legos

That aren’t whites or aliens

Cause you wont get away with the crap that you pulled

9 out of 10, the whites get their way

They have Chinese legos and Mexican legos

But don’t have any Muslim or black legos

I know we ask for a lot

But all we want is to have black legos for once and forever

Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever

You can’t have star wars legos without Lando

It’s like having the A-team without Mr.T

You got to have ethnicity in legos cause sales will go up

We black people would buy them a lot

Why don’t you guys make other lego people other than whites

Cause we are tired of being left out of it

Sure there is lots of us in basketball

It ain’t our fault white people cant jump

So just hurry up and make some black people legos and we’ll stop our bitchin

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

Yeah right G.

“You have been treating us like crap since the Civil War.”

Shit niggas, y’all been treating us bad since we were once slaves for you

All we want is a little respect make black legos and we’ll be happy

You always whine how y’all get bad treatment but y’all started it first

All you had to do was make black lego people and we would be happy

But you prick heads are all the same, self centered jackasses

And you say you changed even though you act the same

So stop your goddamn bitchin and make some god damn lego people

Black lego guys that is

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint

I’m sorry black people [OOOH!]

I am for real

We could never make black lego guys

Cause the KKK runs this joint
Can’t Find My Dentures – Parody of The Rolling Stones’ No Satisfaction

 

Can’t find my dentures,

Weren’t in the bathroom..

’and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.

 

I’m too old to play rock

Cause I wear depends now

Cause I have no control of my bladder

Gonna hang up my mic

Going to get my Social Security Checks.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.

 

Just wet my pants,

Cause I have no bladder control.

’and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.

 

When I’m trying to eat oatmeal

It gets all over my shirt

Cause i have really big lips.

No one wants to see me in spandex

Cause old men in spandex is sick.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.

 

I made some Metamucil,

I got just normal flavor.

though there’s and Iced Tea and Smoothies and Lemonade.

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.

 

When I’m rocking in my chair

And I’m making booties for my 15 kids

Can get more tail in my age

Cause ladies like my big lips and heaps of cash

i’m pushing on seventy.

I can’t find my, oh no no no.

Hey hey hey, that’s what I say.

 

I can’t find my, can’t find my dentures.

can’t find my dentures,

No dentures, no dentures, no dentures

The Gospel of Magnum PR: My Ideas on College Reforms

I’ve wanted to babble on about this for a while now. I feel that the current college system is bloated, doesn’t really help anybody progress in their careers or improve their lives. The current process feels like an extension of high school. These are just a few of my ideas on how to improve and overhaul the college system. Probably will never happen, but it’s a nice thought nonetheless.

  1. College tuition will be free for in-state residents as long as they either have a 3.00/8.00 GPA in high school, “B” score on either the ACT or SAT, or pass an assessment skills test and evaluation to qualify for paid tuition. Those that wish to go either a private school or an out-of-state school will pay out of their pockets or through scholarships, loans, work study, etc. The paid tuition shall only cover the 1st Bachelor’s Degree. For schooling regarding graduate school, medical school, or any other form of education beyond undergraduate school, paid tuition will be provided with proper documentation and certifications. If one drops out, cheats, or flunks out, they’re no longer entitled to paid tuition.
  2. Public higher education institutions shall be scaled back to reflect the land size, population, and population density for each state. The main/central campus shall be located at the state capital. The number of satellite campuses will depend on the prior data mentioned earlier. Any campuses in foreign countries will be subject to not only the Department of Education, but the Department of State as well.
  3. For student athletic programs, they will be funded to run essential and adequate operations as well as a minimum wage pay for all student athletes. Cooperation with professional sports leagues will be encouraged to start a proper farming system to allow certain student athletes to pursue a career in professional sports. Booster programs will continue but are required to make their donations public. Student athletes will have the option to either accept a full scholarship will minimum wage pay or a 100,000 annual salary with full benefits plus required courses in situational awareness, time management, public speaking, or finance management.
  4. For room and board, the student is financially responsible for it. However, price ceilings and regulation on new book editions will be enforced and heavily regulated to ensure affordable books for students. The student no longer is required to reside on-campus for their first and second years.
  5. Student loans, work study programs, and scholarships will not be discontinued and is strongly encouraged. High scores on the ACT and SATs will qualify students to have their room and board paid for, but must maintain a 3.5-4 GPA to retain it. Student loans must have a low interest rate, and a locked repayment period to make it easier for students to pay them off. Students are entitled to a 5-year grace period for loan payments or they are able to find a job in their career field based on their degree. However, loan companies can deny the 5-year grace period based on the certain type of degree the student has.
  6. Because public colleges are reliant on taxpayer funds from state and federal governments, they shall be required to disclose all financial information, which also includes the various third-party and private donations they received. In addition, because they are taking taxpayer funds, they must disclose the state of their campuses, including statistics on protests, sexual assaults, other crimes, etc.
  7. All faculty and staff will be stripped of their tenure privileges. Their employment status in addition to increases in pay and possible promotions will be dependent on a performance-based evaluation system.
  8. Equal opportunity laws and constitutional rights shall not be violated and strictly enforced. Should any faculty and/or staff commits these violations, they are to suspension or termination, pending on multiple offenses or the severity of the violation. This will extend to any students and student organizations residing on-campus.
  9. Finally, regarding course curriculums, general education courses will be scrapped. Theoretically, all students should have received their G.E. courses in high school. If a student wishes to take general education courses, they will not quality for paid tuition. All Major/Minor plans should consist of basic departmental courses, majors’ classes, and adequate real-word training through internships or on-the-job training.

That’s all I got for now. Thanks for reading!

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